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Potential TikTok Ban Set to Return Kids Back to Long Form Propaganda

WASHINGTON, D.C. — After an affirmative House vote, the Senate is set to consider banning Tiktok, moving America’s children away from quick, seconds-long propaganda videos back to uncomfortably long books and podcasts.

“TikTok exposes our children to adorable little propaganda clips created by our adversaries,” said Rep. Cathy McMorris Rodgers, R-Wash, a supporter of the ban. “It has ground the attention span of our youth to dust, robbing them of valuable time that could be spent studying new History books with a fresh perspective on the Civil War, watching Reagan biographies, or listening to lengthy Joe Rogan podcasts where Jamie neglects fact checking a claim that really should have been validated. It is long past time for us to protect future generations from themselves.”

Claire Foster, a self-proclaimed elder member of Gen-Z, disagreed.

“There’s literally barely any newspeak at all,” Foster said. “Most of my algorithm is people arm-dancing to Mao Zedong’s favorite song ‘Red Sun in the Sky.’ It’s not our fault the song is a bussin’ banger, no cap. And that’s protected speech under the first amendment! Just like the choreography to “Takogo, kak Putin!” (“A Man Like Putin!”) and the CCP Duck Fat Challenge!”

Disinformation researcher Dr. Greeley McMahon provided additional insight.

“The kids today don’t realize how much being bombarded with rapidfire disinformation affects them,” said McMahon, thumbing through a dog-eared copy of Das Kapital. “They need to reject materialism, organize, and take labor back from the bourgeoisie. And they’re never going to be able to do any of that if they’re constantly distracted by their phones.”

At press time, Senators waiting to vote on the ban were seen giggling at a TikTok of dancing corgis in tiny Eastern Bloc uniforms.

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