WASHINGTON — The Federal Bureau of Investigation has broadened its search for missing person Ken Craigson by including the popular website Reddit, according to those familiar with the situation.
“In our ongoing investigation into the disappearance of Ken Craigson, we have decided to include the aid of Redditors,” FBI agent Melissa Grace said during a press conference. “This technique has proven useful in the past, like when I couldn’t figure out why my TV wasn’t detecting my PS4. Hopefully there’s a post we can find from 2020 or 2019 that explains where Mr. Craigson is now, or else we’re going to have to just ask on Twitter or make an Instagram story, and that usually yields very mixed results.”
Agent Grace says the inclusion of Reddit has already yielded some promising leads.
“We have already found a thread featuring the question ‘AITA for searching the woods for a missing person?’” Agent Grace said. “Although we had to sift through snarky comments such as ‘I think you meant to post this in r/cringe’ and hacky jokes like ‘you’re telling me a person missed these woods?’ we found some replies that have pointed us in the right direction. Or at the very least, helped us figure out if we’re being dicks for even looking.”
Despite Reddit’s immediate usefulness in the search for Craigson, the FBI believes the website could help even more.
“We are begging Reddit moderators to please loosen their restrictions when it comes to posting,” the agent pleaded. “The rules in some of these subreddits are so labyrinthine that we can’t figure out whether or not we can actually post, despite having our entire intelligence staff looking into.”
“We will be charging BigHorseyGuy62 with interfering in an active investigation,” Agent Grace added, “and due to their status as a reddit moderator, they will face a minimum of 100 years in a military black site.”
At press time, the FBI agents reported that they had a great lead on the missing person case, but unfortunately quickly changed their tune when they opened the Reddit thread and found all the comments had since been deleted.
