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Entire Twitter Staff Receives Urgent Memo From CEO

SAN FRANCISCO — A leak at Twitter headquarters revealed that the entire office received an urgent paper memo from CEO Elon Musk, a paper instructing employees to check a box indicating whether or not they like him or not.

“It’s not a big deal, I just want to like, know. No pressure or anything, haha,” Musk nervously announced to Twitter HQ. “If you want to add a third box that says you really like me, or have a crush on me, feel free. No wrong answer, I just want to know. I need to know. I mean I think I’m pretty chill, but if you could just check the box so I know definitely that would be great. Actually, everyone stop working, this is now your top priority. I need this on my desk by the end of the hour. Now that I think of it, do it right now. While I watch. Not in a weird way, obviously. I just need to watch you check the box that says you like me right this instant.”

Twitter employees reportedly felt awkward about the CEO’s company-wide memo.

“This is a tough one, I want to let the guy down easy, also I want to keep my job,” said software engineer Kelsey Mabry. “He’s always sending out feedback memos, asking for approval on funny tweets, and sending out anonymous DMs claiming to be ‘Elon’s friend’ asking you if you think he’s cute. While I’m supposed to be doing code work on the website and fixing bugs in the servers, most of my job now consists of liking and retweeting his posts and monitoring engagement on his memes. I would be upset if I didn’t feel so bad for the guy.”

At press time, sources reported all female Twitter employees also received a follow-up memo asking them to check a box indicating whether or not they would be up for being impregnated by their boss.

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