AUSTIN, Texas — Billionaire and Tesla CEO Elon Musk has just unveiled his latest venture in sustainable, environmentally-safe transportation in the form of a new car that is powered exclusively by Tesla employee blood.
“We have become far too dependent on fossil fuels, but this new Tesla model can shift our focus over to human life force,” Musk said in a press conference. “The suffering I am able to provide to my employees may already be able to power all cars until 2025, and with amazing new developments our team is working on, round-the-clock floggings for Tesla personnel are just around the corner. I’m always looking to find ways to turn a problem into a solution, and I had all this excess blood from hard-working blue collar people on my hands, so I decided to make lemonade.”
Self-proclaimed Elon Musk fan Albert Sharpe praised Musk’s shrewd and revolutionary new technology.
“He’s done it again,” Sharpe’s tweet began. “You probably don’t even understand what this means for humanity, but Elon (yes, I can call him Elon) has once again changed the game in human suffering. People love to hate on him, but blood is a fully renewable resource, and Tesla employee contracts specifically say that if Elon ever needs their blood, organs, or hair for any reason he’s completely entitled to them. For all of you out there crying about how the blood extraction process is unbearably painful, and that it doesn’t even need to be, you’re clearly just jealous of Elon’s new Mutilator 4500x, a brilliant machine you could never come up with.”
Others, however, have been more critical of the billionaire.
“This is the one time I’m really glad that Elon has never actually followed through on any new technology he has promised,” said tech blogger Gia Guerrero.
At press time, Tesla teased a deluxe Tesla Blood model that bolsters a rich leather interior hand-stitched from the skin of Tesla factory workers.