GARY, Ind. — Twitter CEO Elon Musk has reportedly discovered his next overvalued investment: a novelty dunk tank he found on Craigslist and bought for 44 billion dollars.
“Everyone’s going to think this is so funny,” said Musk, shortly after procuring the severely used carnival attraction from a guy on the side of the highway. “I’m going to pay 44 billion dollars for this dunk tank and totally own everybody. Pretty soon for just eight bucks a pop, users will be able to see me shirtless and get close enough to me to tell me how smart they think I am, two things they value very highly. This thing is going to pay for itself quicker than COVID cases died off in April of 2020.”
“Ignore all those robots chucking softballs at the target and laughing at me by the way,” he added, moments before one hit a bullseye, dropping him into the water below. “They’re not real.”
The man selling the dunk tank was pleasantly surprised with Musk’s valuation.
“I’d written on there ‘100 bucks or best offer,’ hoping I could get 70,” said Gary Fitzgerald, the man who posted the Craigslist ad for the dunk tank, which was used in the last several county fairs. “I didn’t realize the premiere entrepreneur of our time was willing to spend 11 figures on a weird attempt at a joke, but I wasn’t gonna complain. He’s got some terrible ideas about what to do with it, like drain the water and fill it with human diarrhea, but hey, it’s his dunk tank now. He can fill it with shit if he wants to.”
Fans of Musk’s praised the Tesla CEO’s latest business acquisition.
“The man simply cannot lose,” said devoted Musk fan Scott Vanmeter, as he ate clumps of dirt and grass from the ground. “He’s playing chess while everyone else plays checkers. It’s obvious anyone that disagrees or dislikes him is just jealous of his business acumen, not to mention stellar reputation for being a genius. Plus, it’s his fortune, you know? If he wants to invest it into getting dunked on by the throngs of people that despise everything about him, that’s his choice! He’s still more successful than you’ll ever be.”
“Man, this dirt tastes delicious,” he added.
As of press time, Elon Musk had passed away in the dunk tank’s little pool of water. While all obvious signs point to drowning, his fans have insisted the cause was a deadly strain of the woke mind virus.