SAN FRANCISCO — Elon Musk gathered the Twitter engineering team for a meeting yesterday to assign a nearly impossible task: filling the deep emptiness he feels at the core of his being.
“Look at all this money I have! Look at all the likes and retweets. My fans all think I’m really cool and smart. Why isn’t it enough? Why do I still feel this way?” asked Musk, citing a constant, gnawing hunger in his chest that only seems to get worse the more attention he gets. “It’s ridiculous. Solve the problem this week or you’re all fired.”
Despite making countless changes to the Twitter algorithm, including a tweak that boosts his posts across the site, Musk claims there must still be a fatal flaw somewhere in the software, causing him to get no lasting fulfillment from anything he does.
“If you conduct a simple review of my life, you’ll uncover multiple data points that prove I should feel happy and complete with what I have. Look at this graph,” Musk said, pointing to an upward arrow labeled ‘how great I am’ and beginning to raise his voice. “I’ve got a bunch of kids. I’ve got my health. I’m friends with lots of interesting people. I will never want for anything in life, ever, because of my obscene wealth. So, it makes zero logical sense that I would still, after all of that, be obsessed with what other people think of me. It’s fucking pathetic and it needs to stop. My life needs to mean something. This is now priority number one.”
Twitter staff complained privately that the task was simply not feasible with the current technology, especially given the recent layoffs.
“We’re stretched thin already, just trying to keep the site running. But honestly, I don’t think we could do what he’s asking even if we had a million geniuses with a million supercomputers. There’s something missing inside that guy. There’s an ineffable lack of human spirit that can’t be replaced with cars and rockets and Tweets. Everyone can see it. Everyone can hear the cold wind whipping through the center of him. And he knows it,” said an engineer who asked to remain anonymous in order to keep her job. “It would be sad to watch, if he wasn’t such a dick.”
At press time, Musk had reportedly fixed the problem himself by tweeting a meme.