SAN FRANCISCO — Fed up with non-compliance, online communications giant Discord has announced their plans to kill one hostage every hour until you finally update your username.
“These fuckers keep pressing ‘remind me later’,” said Jason Citron, CEO of Discord who had just broken into a bank with an AR-15 and Richard Nixon mask. “So listen up, I’ll make this very simple. Every sixty minutes that you don’t change your username to phase out numbers, one of these innocent people dies. I’m not fucking around. I’ll do it. This is what happens when you don’t follow directions. People die. Shit, have I been on push to talk this whole time?”
Citron’s message is spreading fast, and Discord users are having mixed reactions to it.
“I booted up Discord, and it asked me to change my username,” said gamer Patty Thompson, “I clicked ‘No,’ because fuck that, and then I had to read this long message, manifesto really, about how what I was doing was dangerous, and how I’d have blood on my hands. Then it shows me this 43 year old mother of three that they’ll ice if I don’t take a minute to change my name. Nuts to that, I’ve been PudMonster#4209 for years now, and it’ll take more than killing some Karen to change that.”
The hostage situation grew more tense as SCPD officers and negotiators arrived.
“I wish this wasn’t so common,” said SCPD lead negotiator DeWayne Philmon, “I remember when Mark Zuckerburg strapped C4 to his chest and threatened to pull the trigger if people didn’t start using the new Facebook layout. We talked him down by offering him various meats to smoke, but this Discord guy won’t budge. I asked them if they wanted pizza or something, and he just sent back a bunch of cutesy loading messages. This is gonna be a bloodbath.”
At press time, gamers were trying to go back to Ventrilo or Skype, telling themselves it was probably worth all of the deaths to use a better application.
