SAN FRANCISCO — Claiming he had accidentally swapped his schedule for the day, Twitter CEO and Neuralink founder Elon Musk shocked fans and shareholders by killing a female employee and impregnating a monkey.
“Guys, this one’s on me,” an embarrassed Musk explained. “I read my daily planner wrong and got all switched around, could happen to anyone. I knew something was off when I was mailing hush money to the zoo and watching a scientist drill into a woman’s brain, but it finally hit me later on. I won’t lie to you, this is a whoopsie on Elon. On the bright side, the monkey can’t tell anybody and most of my employees are scheduled to die anyway.”
Elon Musk’s fans remained loyal despite the tech personality’s error.
“A brilliant move, Mr. Musk. I’m going out to proposition a monkey right now,” replied Elon Musk fan Larry Groznic on Twitter. “Don’t let the critics stop you from crushing your business dreams, kill as many women as you need to, people just don’t get how smart you are. Except me, I get it. This monkey is probably just a liberal actor with an ax to grind with big tech, and is just coming forward for fame, attention, and bananas.”
Musk elaborated further on the cause of his accident.
“I’ve had a lot going on lately, I’m a little frazzled,” Musk admitted. “I’ve been accidentally emailing Reddit memes to my mistresses, and tweeting threatening messages online, a classic Musk folly. Sometimes when you have my intelligence and business savvy, you get the little things all switched around. I’m sure I’ll get it all sorted out with only a few more human deaths. Once you kill a few dozen people, you start to learn from your mistakes a bit.”
At press time, sources reported that another unfortunate schedule mixup had caused Musk to lay off several SpaceX rockets and jettison thousands of Twitter employees into space.
