TRENTON, N.J. — The phone charger that local man Michael Kelton, 34, leaves next to his bed has begun to discharge electrical current through the air at random, sources have confirmed. Luckily, Kelton says he’s begun considering possibly ordering a replacement at some point in the future.
“My last charger burned down my apartment and I still kept using it for four more months at my new place,” Kelton told reporters. “So yeah, the shooting sparks thing isn’t great, but as long as I don’t spill anything on it or keep any paper over there, I don’t think it’s a very big deal. Plus, my father taught me not to waste anything, and this is how I honor his memory. He died last year after eating a bunch of old food.”
Experts have warned that once the insulation becomes damaged, the conductors become exposed and the charger cable could pose a fire risk unless Kelton wraps a bunch of duct tape around it.
“Come on man, use your head,” said local fireman Cal Gunther. “You’re talking about Mike Kelton that lives on Telegraph Avenue? I drove by his house the other night and his upstairs window was smoking. I just think he’s really tempting fate with his setup from the sounds of it. The Consumer Product Safety Commission’s guidelines are clear: if you find any signs of damage, cords and chargers must be replaced within the next 2-3 years, hopefully.”
Of course, it’s only a matter of time before the dirty, damaged, and semi-functioning cable finally reaches the point where Kelton is forced to start considering the possibility of maybe adding a replacement to his Amazon wish list. But, for now, he remains committed to the generic blue cable that costs $6.99 at the CVS a mere five blocks from his home.
“It takes time to replace these things,” Kelton continued. “And I just have a lot going on right now. For example: I’m thinking of getting pizza later. That sounds like a lot of work, though. I probably won’t, actually.”