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Apple Vision Pro Is Changing the Way Americans Die in a Tesla

CUPERTINO, Calif. — Apple recently released the Apple Vision Pro, a technological breakthrough that’s already revolutionizing the way Americans meet their untimely demise.

“Our product has completely changed the way Americans die in Teslas,” said Greg Joswiak, Apple’s senior vice president of marketing, in an in-store demo. “No longer will people simply burn alive or watch helplessly as their car drives itself into the side of an overpass. We see the potential for more.”

Joswiak then detailed specific ways the Apple Vision Pro can enhance the experience of not paying attention while driving.

“Imagine, you’re halfway through watching Killers Of The Flower Moon in full 4K on your Apple Vision Pro. Leonardo DiCaprio is eating a plate of very sweet dumplings, the image is crystal clear and you’re thinking to yourself: ‘this movie seems like it’s going to be long’ – when, suddenly, you remember you’re actually behind the wheel of one of Elon Musk’s famous death machines. Now you’re going 65 miles per hour when the computer randomly kicks out of autopilot. You go to grab the steering wheel, but it’s weirdly shaped and you’re wearing a VR headset, so you can’t find it,” explains Joswiak. “These are the types of deaths our team’s been working on for months.”

The Apple Vision Pro currently costs $3,499, and Teslas start at $48,000. That’s a high price for a death you could basically get from looking at your phone. Luckily, this new spatial computing hardware is more than just a home cinema; Apple recently announced they have over 600 new apps you can use recklessly while driving.

Eric Yuan, founder of Zoom, was excited to announce that his company was one of the first to get involved with the project:

“If you’re going to video call someone while wearing a VR headset and driving, we want you to do it on Zoom,” Yuan explained. “We’ve made sure to develop our Apple Vision Pro app to provide the best experience possible, and that means filling as much of your view with whoever you’re calling as possible, even if you’re driving.”

Of course, critics are quick to point out the Apple Vision Pro’s downsides – the bugs, the privacy risks, the way you look while wearing it – but there’s one thing they can all agree on: there’s no better way to die in a Tesla.