Press "Enter" to skip to content

5 Best Laptops to Use in Bed That Let Off the Same Amount of Heat a Partner Would

Big bed but nobody to sleep with? In the market for a new personal laptop? Here are the best laptops to buy to both entertain you and soothe your lonely heart at night the way a living, breathing person would — if you had one who loved you.

Macbook Pro

Are you all about aesthetics? Then this computer is for you, because the slim design means these things get terrible ventilation on a mattress. Once you’re laying down next to it, it’ll be hot in no time. Sure, your ex was easy on the eyes, but with this laptop’s Retina display you’ll forget all about her. Eventually. Get one with a touch bar if you’re feeling especially starved for contact.

Protip: Try to run an MMO on this thing if you really wanna turn up the heat.

Dell Inspiron

If you’re into 3D animation or design, this isn’t the computer for you. But, if you want to try it on this device anyway, you’ll have a very hot bedmate in a Dell. Missing that thing your partner used to do with your balls? This PC will put its whole Dell-ussy into heating up your genitals way past a safe temperature. Plus, it’ll be so hot doing it. Good enough, right?

Acer Aspire

Are you someone who likes to sleep with the fan on? Look no further than an Acer! You’ll be able to hear this bad boy’s fans going into overdrive almost right away after start up. But don’t worry, they won’t be cooling your PC down much. It’s more of a formality — kind of like your latest breakup. Since you think labels are stupid, you and that guy were never technically “together” meaning this wasn’t even really a “breakup” at all. So whatever. You don’t even care. You’re crying for other reasons. Try an Acer.

HP Chromebook

Feeling especially disconnected? Try an HP Chromebook! Leave this thing plugged in and watch as it heats up to incredible temperatures, all day and night, unlike your ex who was turned off by your need to fall asleep to the voices of disgruntled YouTubers. Yep, this machine accommodates and supports your totally healthy and reasonable sleep routine. It even burns your leg to wake you up if you doze off, so you never miss the end of the video!

Lenovo Thinkpad

Missing that ex that had no chill? Try out a Lenovo. The poor cooling design in this device will have you humming Nelly’s “Hot in Here” to yourself at 3 a.m. without a living soul in your home to hear it. Once you download Google Chrome on this computer and accept a few cookies this baby will be hot, hot, HOT! Keep it to 4GB of RAM and no solid state to make sure this computer is always running behind and fuming — just like that lawyer you used to date. But hey, at least this computer won’t decide she’s had enough of you and stay with her sister.

So, there you have it: 5 laptops that’ll keep you warm at night. It’s a tough call, but it’s yours alone to make. Don’t sweat it too hard, though — all of them have access to porn.