PHILADELPHIA – Fear and uncertainty gripped the Yu-Gi-Oh community earlier today as several monster cards looked down for the first time since their printing to see a wall of card text encroaching dangerously on their art, sources report.
“Mighty Master of Magic my ass, I’m fighting for my life out here,” said Endymion, a staple boss monster in Pendulum decks and the leading cause of squinting in the United States. “I’m not stupid, I know what people say about me. Endymion loses going second. Endymion loses to Naturia Beast. Endymion doesn’t know how to sit down in his armor and is too afraid to ask. I’ve got one thing going for me, and that’s an instruction manual passing for a card effect. I’m packing bonafide, honest-to-God literature up in here.”
“At first I was proud of it,” continued Endymion, “but then today, I looked down for first time and—Egyptian Gods!—where are my legs? Where are my goddamn legs?”
Other monsters expressed concern that, while their ancient spirits remain bound in expensive cardboard, they exist at the whims of the game’s publisher, Konami.
“I understand that long, borderline medical effect text is necessary in a game where the only keyword is ‘Piercing Battle Damage’ and small syntactical differences become meta-defining, but it shouldn’t come at the cost of good art,” said Gunkan Suship Shari, a level 4 vanilla beatstick with no effect and 116 words of flavor text. “Every day I wonder if it’ll happen to me. I know in my rational mind that card text doesn’t just appear and crop your art spontaneously, but it’s a scary thought. Like, erratas do happen, you know.”
“I really am lucky though,” continued Suship. “I’m a Normal monster from 2021. I don’t have to worry about Pendulum effects or Link arrows or being retroactively added to the world’s worst archetype. The worst thing that can happen to me is Konami invents a new font size for ants. In many ways, I’m safe; I’ve already been printed. The agony of my creation is behind me. It’s the other guys I worry about. Have you seen D/D/D Oblivion King Abyss Ragnarök? He didn’t always make that face. He used to smile.”
Following a characteristically well-mannered and proportionate response from the Yu-Gi-Oh community as well as calls from that one player at locals to see PenduLuMoon’s uncropped feet, Konami released a statement hoping to quell players’ concerns for the integrity of the game’s beloved card art.
“We’ve heard our players’ feedback regarding cropped artwork and the eternal physical and spiritual torment that is the fate of every monster sealed within our trading cards,” said Konami. “Rest assured, it is our every intention to rectify one of these things.”
“Yu-Gi-Oh would not be the global success it is without Kazuki Takahashi’s iconic designs,” the statement continued, “to say nothing of the countless other works of card art that have since materialized from thin air and consequently cannot be credited. Unlike other TCGs, Yu-Gi-Oh’s artwork has never been one thing. Our cards cover a myriad of styles, genres, and frankly baffling creative choices— from sexy pots and dripped-out starfish, to Bruce Lee as a mouse and a tomato in jail called ‘Inmato’. While clear and non-conflicting card text is crucial to the health of the game, we understand it’s more important that these creations of a sick mind be seen in their full glory. If you’re here for run-of-the-mill Dark Fantasy, get your balanced ass back to Magic.”
At press time, Konami rejected speculation that Yu-Gi-Oh might implement keywords going forward, citing the game’s pivot away from combat-oriented effects and stating it would be “a cold day in Hell” before a Yu-Gi-Oh card could commit a Crime.
