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Woody and Friends Slaughtered by Warhammer Miniatures in ‘Toy Story 5’

EMERYVILLE, Calif. — In the latest example of misguided pop culture crossovers, Pixar Studios has announced the inclusion of Warhammer 40k miniatures into Toy Story 5, sources have confirmed, with a plot that centers around Woody and friend being ruthlessly slaughtered by the invading figurines for the glory of their God Emperor.

“This is the vision we’ve had for these characters since 1995,” said Pixar CCO Pete Doctor. “I remember when we were writing Toy Story how Steve Jobs told us, he looked at one draft and said ‘I love it, but how can we fit Warhammer into this? If we can just get Warhammer working.’ And now, we finally have. I mean, Buzz Lightyear was basically just a soft-launch for putting an Imperium Space Marine in our children’s movie.”

Details regarding the film’s plot have been kept a closely guarded secret, but leaks have suggested that many of the franchise’s beloved characters will be ripped to shreds for their heresy throughout.

“Every single toy is going to die,” said an anonymous insider at Pixar who has been leaking plot details online “.I’m serious. Woody gets shot in the head with a Bolter. Buzz gets mutated beyond recognition into a chaos spawn. You don’t even want to know what they do to Hamm… It’s sickening. I just don’t see how this fits into the Toy Story universe. The Warhammer figurines don’t even pretend to be toys around humans, they just keep killing. They sacrifice Andy to the Blood God! Oh, Jesus, the screams… I still hear the screams!”

Fans of both Toy Story and Warhammer have expressed strong opinions about the impending crossover, ranging from apprehension to anticipation. One fan of both franchises, Travis Tolbert, explained the complex emotions at play.

“On one hand, every Warhammer fan is excited to see new realms conquered for the God Emperor. The bloodied bones of those xeno toys will lay the foundation of another battle barge. On the other hand, I just feel like we should leave Toy Story alone. The third one had a perfect ending, why milk it?”

At press time, Pixar has stayed firm in their intention to incorporate Warhammer into even more of their franchises with announcements for films such as Monsters Imperium and Cars 4: Righteous Crusade.