Oh yeah. We’re back and we got 54 more spells to rank, and this time it’s second level spells. Are they twice as sexy this time? Sort of. I think there’s definitely a lot of potential with these spells and I’m excited to write in great detail about which ones make the most blood rush to my loins.
Last time I did a list like this I was called out for being too vanilla, so I guess there’s no holding back this time. Let’s get real nasty with this list, shall we? Sit back, light some candles, and get ready to flick your goodberry with a guiding bolt.
54. Locate Animals or Plants
Starting off with a real dud here. You’re always trying to keep your animals outside the room when you’re doing the nasty. Also plants? Not very sexy, generally. Can be romantic, but if you’re already in the act of love making and haven’t already located your rose petals, it’s too late.
53. Zone of Truth
Listen, it’s important to be upfront and honest with your partner—especially when it comes to sex,—I want to make that very clear. Consent and communication is indeed sexy, but Zone of Truth doesn’t read to me as sexy. Zone of Truth sounds like what your parents would call a house meeting to address an uncomfortable topic. “Okay kids, let’s have a quick ‘zone of truth’ to talk about who broke mom’s antique vase.”
52. Knock
I’ve heard of knocking boots before but all this makes me think about is an unwanted disturbance at the door while you’re trying to do the deed. Not what you want while you’re inside someone or vice versa.
51. Suggestion
I think Suggestion can be sexy, but I also think it’s kind of weak. Last time we discussed Command—now that’s a sexy sounding spell. “Hey I just thought maybe you could lick my neck a little bit, maybe?” No! Use some conviction! If you trust your partner, you shouldn’t be afraid to tell them all the filthy things you want them to do to you.
50. Lesser Restoration
Talk to me when we get to Greater Restoration in Level 5; until then, we’re moving on.
49. Find Traps
I just feel like if we’re looking for traps we’re not having sex in an appropriate setting. Exhibitionism is one thing, but this sounds straight up dangerous. Plus, you’re not focusing on your partner’s needs if you’re too busy looking for land mines or whatever. Though I will admit you both should probably know where those landmines are before you get naked and sweaty.
48. Gentle Repose
Look—I’m not saying it’s not important to be a little gentle at times, but Gentle Repose ain’t the giant of leg-shaking bed-breaking stuff the people are here for. I’m hoping we start heating things up soon because I’m unimpressed by what we have so far in terms of sexiness.
47. Ray of Enfeeblement
So a ray could potentially be pretty hot as I think we’ll discover later, but a Ray of Enfeeblement just isn’t the sort of thing you want to hit your partner with. Frankly, it just sounds unpleasant. We have to move on. I’m sorry.
46. Protection From Poison
Feeling protected by your partner can be arousing for sure, and one generally doesn’t want to be poisoned. However I see the word poison and I think of Brett Michaels asking me to talk dirty to him and I can’t have that bastard ruining my list. Definitely not a sexy guy and if you disagree, fight me.
45. See Invisibility
Sometimes you’re getting down and dirty in a real dark room and it can be hard to see what you’re doing. Also, if you’re making love to an invisible partner it might help to actually see them.
44. Silence
This one is a bit of a toss up because while gagging your partner can be a great way to spice up play in the bedroom you’re also sacrificing a lot for it. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for shoving somthing in their mouth while you pleasure them in unspeakable ways. However, you’ve now really cut into their ability to moan your name lustfully or whisper all kinds of naughty disgusting things in your ear. Not to mention the fact that you’ve cut off your partner’s ability to speak in case of an emergency. Always have a safe word folks, and if you’re gagged, make sure you have another way to communicate. This one could be higher on the list, though. This one is gonna cause some fights in the comments.
43. Animal Messenger
I feel like Animal Messenger may have been seen a little sexier before phones were made readily available. Imagine sending a dove or a raven to your partner far away, and they describe something naughty they’re doing as they write the message. We may not have such rudimentary methods for sexting nowadays, but I bet back in the day those birds really got people’s blood pumping as they arrived with smutty love messages.
42. Pass Without Trace
Sometimes you’re trying to be a little sneaky when you’re enjoying each other’s bodies. Perhaps you’re trying to rob a bank on a hot summer’s evening and the moment just happened upon you two. Sure you came here to make off with millions of dollars, but the thrill of the crime just overtakes you and you have to act now! I’ll just once again warn y’all to exercise caution here: you may want to cast Silence as well.
41. Misty Step
Misty Step is an odd one because I think the word misty is sexy for sure, but Misty Step sounds more like a trendy dance move from 6 years ago.
40. Locate Object
Sometimes you’re into objectification and you want your partner to treat you like their personal sex toy. Sometimes you’re just trying to find that double sided dildo in the darkness.
39. Arcanist’s Magic Aura
Have you ever stopped to think about your partner as having a sort of magic aura? Is your partner an arcanist? If so, this one is right up your alley. Regardless, I think we all need to appreciate each other’s auras more. When your partner gets home today go ahead and say: “Hey, I’m really into your magic aura.”
38. Levitate
I think Dua Lipa was on the right track with her hit single Levitating. If your partner turns you on so much that you find yourself floating off the ground then you’ve found someone special. Or maybe you’re just thinking about fucking while floating gently off the ground. Who wouldn’t be into that?
37. Continual Flame
Let’s talk about some temperature play. A continual flame could really heat things up in the bedroom both literally and figuratively. Maybe you like working some candles into your love making, whether that be just to set the mood or to drip some hot wax all over your bodies.
36. Invisibility
Of course we’ve already addressed seeing invisibility but I think being invisible may just be a few notches sexier. Imagine your partner vanishing in front of you and then doing all kinds of sensual, debaucherous acts while you can’t even see them. I suppose you could also just wear a blindfold, though.
35. Mirror Image
Have you ever tried making love in front of the mirror? It can really increase the erotic nature of the sexual experience. Alternatively, it can also make you extremely self conscious and totally kill the mood. You’re there just gazing into the mirror, wondering where the time went, how you got to this point. Your partner fades away and you’re just left in a void staring at your sad old face. So….. 35 feels good for this one, right?
34. Blur
Perhaps you have an orgasm so mind blowing that your vision blurs and you lose all sense of your surroundings? Or maybe you’ve both been drinking a little so it’s hard to tell what’s going on? Do you just like to listen to Song 2 while you’re fucking? If it’s the last one, WOO-HOO!
33. Gust of Wind
If you’re into a little breath play, maybe this one does it for you. Or maybe you and your partner are trying to make love in the middle of a tornado or a hurricane. I think that’s what that movie Twister is about. Pretty sure it had a double meaning between twister as in tornado and ‘twist-her’ being a sort of raunchy innuendo. Bill Paxton is in that one right? What was I talking about here?
32. Acid Arrow
We generally don’t use the word acid as a positive in any way. However, I think one could refer to their penis as an acid arrow. I don’t know that they should do that, but one definitely could.
31. Flaming Sphere
Here we have a big hot ball of fire. Right off the bat this reads to me as highly sexy however it also makes me think of a potential STI so I can’t put it higher on this list.
30. Prayer of Healing
We talked last time about the divine act of love making and I really think you could consider sex a sort of prayer of healing. If you truly worship your partner you may feel healed after you climax in each other’s arms. Or perhaps you just stop having sex all together and instead just solemnly pray with together with your partner. Perhaps if you truly reach god you will achieve the greatest orgasm of all, faith. Or you could just bone down hard, as usual.
29. Augury
What if you cum so hard you see the future? Think about it.
28. Spider Climb
Oooh I like this one. Makes me think about my partner climbing all over me, pleasuring every inch of my body. Or it makes me think of scary bugs.
27. Flame Blade
You know we’ve talked a lot here today about making stuff hot and I think this one really takes it up to a sexier level. Think about your partner dipping a big knife in some coals and then carefully tracing it all over your body, teasing you and titillating all of your erogenous zones. Then picture them vanquishing your enemies with it. What’s hotter than your partner standind over the decapitated corpse of your mortal enemy with their head in one hand and a flaming sword in the other?
26. Calm Emotions
Some of you may think this is too high on the list but I think it’s important to have an even keel emotional state when it comes to having sex. You don’t want to go into it all angry or stressed out. Sometimes, though, really passionate love making calls for a more heightened emotional state and I’m not going to dismiss that fact. However I also think an orgasm can be so fulfilling that it calms your emotions.
25. Spiritual Weapon
Now some of you immature readers out there will think “Oh is my dick like a spiritual weapon or something?” No. Put that opinion away, it’s disgusting. Your bond with your partner is your spiritual weapon against others who would seek to betray you.
24. Dark Vision
Now I do feel we’ve really covered our bases in terms of depriving you or your partner of vision which can be an interesting way to spice things up. But have you tried having sex while wearing night vision goggles? I’m just asking questions here, and I think it’s worth a try.
23. Enhance Ability
Look, sometimes when you get a little older you have trouble keeping it going, or maybe you just had a little too much whiskey at the party tonight. I think Enhance Ability could be used as a great euphemism for an older guy trying to take some ED mediation. I’m just trying to help, guys. Or maybe you just wanna smoke a little weed and make it feel a little different. I don’t know, I don’t judge.
22. Find Steed
This one is huge for those into horse play. But also maybe try this one on for size: Imagine your partner calling you their steed before they climb on top of you. Whipping you with a crop while they ride on top? Or maybe it’s the other way around? Do you own a crop? I bet you do if you’re reading this.
21. Heat Metal
Well, let’s say you have a metal phallic object, and let’s say you heated it up somehow with possibly some warm water. Now let’s say you insert it inside one of your or your partner’s orifices. Do you follow me?
20. Blindness/Deafness
Once again we’re back to some sensory deprivation. Look if you don’t already have a blindfold or haven’t incorporated one into your nasty business, just give it a shot. it’s an easy way to add some spice into your mild-ass sex life.
19. Spike Growth
Now, assuming you’re careful, this one has a lot of potential. Imagine if you could make your own penis ribbed for her pleasure.
18. Magic Weapon
Sure, Spiritual Weapon was pretty sexy but I think Magic Weapon is just a little more accessible to everyone. Not everyone is spiritual but I think we all have a little magic within us. Or if I’m wrong, Magic Weapon is just a great way to refer to your hitachi massager from now on.
17. Shatter
Oh yeah, this is a good one. Have you ever cum so hard you feel something shatter within you? Have you ever shattered a backboard while going at it fast and hard? Shatter really could be higher on the list if it wasn’t for the fact that the sound of something shattering often ends the sexual experience as you both stop and say, “What the fuck was that?”
16. Barkskin
Oh, you thought Spike Growth was hot? Well get a load of Barkskin. Similar deal but without the implied danger of stabbing your partner. Look—if you like it rough, what’s better than some bark! Do you like fucking trees?!?! Then oh man, I’m sorry this isn’t #1, and you’re probably pissed about Locate Animals or Plants.
15. Detect Thoughts
Ooooh read my mind baby, I want you to know what I want you to do to do me before I even know. Let’s join more than just our bodies together, let’s join our freaking minds.
14. Warding Bond
What is the act of sexual intercourse if not a warding bond? You know what I’m saying?
13. Aid
Look, it’s not complicated. Sometimes you just need a little help. Sometimes that can be a friend picking you up from the airport or lending you $20. Other times it’s someone spitting into your gaping asshole and then really going to town on it with 4 fingers. Simple.
12. Enlarge/Reduce
I mean this one is pretty self explanatory. You want a bigger penis? You want some bigger boobs? You want some smaller holes you nasty little perv?
11. Moonbeam
This one is more about setting the mood. Imagine becoming one with your partner with only the light of the moon to illuminate your bodies. It’s beautiful and passionate and it may make you wanna cry but those are the good tears, baby. Don’t be scared.
10. Hold Person
We all just want to feel safe. We all just want somebody to love. Someone to hold both physically and more deeply, metaphorically. You have to hold that special person in your heart and never let them go. It’s like the Thompson Twins once said, “Hold me now, warm my heart, stay with me, let loving start, let loving start.”
9. Darkness
It’s dark, it’s steamy, it’s sexy. We’ve been here before. This however comes in at #9 because of its simplicity. It’s dark and it’s time to fuck.
8. Alter Self
Last time we talked a little bit about role playing with Disguise Self, but now this time I want you all to really get into character. You’re not just disguising yourself, you are altering yourself. Don’t just dress up as a naughty firefighter, become one. What is your name? How many fires have you fought? What led you to have sex with this person you saved from that burning building? Really add some verisimilitude to your performance. Trust me, your partner will appreciate it.
7. Arcane Lock
Oh yeah, don’t just tie your partner up or lock them in some sort of chastity device. Hit them with an Arcane Lock. What’s better than bondage? Magic bondage.
6. Web
Yeah baby, trap me in your web, get me all caught up in all your sticky stuff. You’re the predator and I’m the prey. Let’s do this! Just don’t start telling me about when your mother was in the Amazon researching spiders right before she died. That will really kill the mood.
5. Enthrall
Mmmhmmm, I want to be enthralled by you, I want to be obsessed with you. Put me under your spell baby! We’re at the top five my friends, and Enthrall comes in hot. When you’re really enthralled by each other you can really share some beautiful incredible moments. How hot would you get if your partner told you they were enthralled by you?
4. Rope Trick
I mean, come on. Ropes are often sexy. A lot of people out there like being tied up or like being the one in control, tying up others. Being at the mercy of your partner to have their way with you while you have those rough ropes wrapped all over your body? Oooooh baby, we’re cooking now.
3. Scorching Ray
Listen, there’s no way around it here. We’re talking about bodily fluids. If that makes you feel gross, you just have to follow me here. This, again, is one that works great as a euphemism. Sure, it may sound crude to say, “Oh cum all over me, baby,” so why not try saying “hit me with your scorching ray!” Isn’t that so much better? And kinda really hot? And I mean hot hot, literally scorching hot.
2. Magic Mouth
I mean, fuck me, are you serious?!?! MAGIC MOUTH!? God damn! It does not get much better than that. I know I’ve done this several times here but just try it, just try and tell your partner they have a magic mouth after going down on you. Or own it yourself. Before performing fellatio tell yourself, tell your partner, it’s time for the magic mouth.
1. Branding Smite
Here we go, your #1 sexiest Level 2 spell is Branding Smite. I mean, just say it to yourself a couple times. It’s good, ain’t it? Smite being a sort of holy strike is already very sexy. You add branding to that? Sheeeeesh! You’re telling your partner you’re mine and I’m yours and this is a sacred holy experience we are sharing together. It’s powerful and magical and it does an additional 2d6 radiant damage, so be careful.
And there you have it. All Level 2 spells ranked. If you want me to do Level 3 just send me an Animal Messenger and I’ll get started on it right away. Until then, stay horny my friends.
