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Thank God: Someone Else Canceled on D&D First

PORT HURON, Mich. — Relief swept across members of the Greater Port Huron Dungeons & Dragons Club after Ralph Finnegan, a level 8 human fighter, canceled on D&D this week before anyone else in the party could.

“I’m honestly really mad about it,” said dungeon master Laura Finch, who appeared relived despite alleging the opposite. “Sure, I procrastinated preparing, and thinking about pulling an entire session out of my ass was giving me anxiety, and now that he canceled I can finally take a nap because I’ve been so exhausted all week…I’m sorry, what were we talking about? Oh yeah, how dare Ralph cancel on us!”

Following Finnegan’s Discord message on Friday, saying that he was ‘so sick he could barely move’ and that he might have to go to ‘urgent care’, the rest of the group reportedly let out a massive sigh of relief.

“Who the hell would do something like that, make a commitment to Dungeons & Dragons and then cancel over something as small as a bit of appendicitis,” continued Finch, who canceled on D&D last week to rewatch The Sopranos. “When you say you’re going to play a session you better show up, or else you might as well just die.”

The D&D group, which was founded in 2018, has faced a slew of challenges when trying to get everyone together, ranging from clashing work schedules, to weddings, to just ‘not really feeling it today’.

“This isn’t the first time Ralph has canceled on a game night, either,” said Lucas Martin, another member of the party. “One time he said he couldn’t come because of his ‘grandmother’s funeral’ and that he was too ‘emotionally devastated’ to properly play. And sure, boo hoo, but you know what’s really emotionally devastating? Trying to fight a Minotaur when the party was one member short!”

As of press time, Martin has canceled on next week’s session, citing his father’s birthday as the cause, which will mark three calendar years since The Greater Marysville Dungeons and Dragons Club has successfully gotten together.