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OPINION: It’s Called a Die

Hey wait a minute, why is this labelled as an opinion piece? It absolutely is called a die. This is not a matter of opinion. I shouldn’t have to keep telling you!

Listen, if there’s more than one, it’s dice. That’s why it was always called dice to you. Because every stupid tabletop game for simpletons, from Monopoly to Yahtzee, gave you more than one. So you said dice. I get it.

Now that you have decided to join my D&D group, you’re going to have to learn a few things. For starters, stop saying that we’ll have to agree to disagree about what a single eight sided die is called. It is a die, a single one of them is a die, you know, like what you make me wish I was doing right now?

Ok, I tried to be nice. From now on, every time you ask someone to hand you a dice, as dungeon master, I am punishing you. You will not be allowed to check your phone or try to spin a die on the table for 15 minutes. You’ll just have to sit there and think about what kind of terminology you should’ve used. You may not go to the bathroom, you may not go outside and smoke, and you may not check your phone. This game is meant to be fun, and there’s nothing fun about using improper terminology.

So okay, one last time, please respect the rules of the game by referring to the pieces by their proper names. That’s all I’m asking for here. And again, I’ll remind you that while I don’t mind loaning you dice, you must give them back when you are done, and for fuck’s sake, try not to get them all sticky. What is happening in the 30 seconds that you have it in your hand that it comes back feeling like a piece of candy?

So okay, game on. Let’s try to get the phrasing right, okay? I swear to god, if you do it one more time, on purpose or not, you will dice. Die! Oh fuck! Get out!

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