ANTONIO BAY, Calif. — Local man Jay McCarrol experienced a deep sense of dread this week as a fortune teller performing his tarot reading reached for a large bag of damage counters and began doling them out liberally, according to those close to the situation.
“I swear everything was going fine,” protested a panicked McCarrol outside of the establishment. “She pulled The Empress, The King of Pentacles, and then this bullshit called ‘Winter Orb’ or something? Then out comes this little velvet bag full of poker chips with fucking skulls on them. When was the last time the newspaper horoscope dealt you quantifiable damage?”
The business’s sole proprietor, Ignea Planeswalker, assured McCarrol that he had little to be concerned with.
“They’re constantly updating how these things work anyway,” Planeswalker said as she resleeved her deck. “Give it three months and everything I pulled is gonna end up voided, it’ll all cancel out. Assuming he doesn’t end up incarcerated or singed in a mysterious house fire before then.”
Planeswalker was also openly critical of McCarrol’s approach to the reading.
“The powers that be don’t play comic shop Friday night friendlies. The stars aren’t concerned with your bootleg Black Lotus, this is your future,” she scoffed, adjusting the waist of her sweatpants. “This guy should consider himself lucky I didn’t pull Sol Ring. It would’ve been Mana Vault, Mana Crypt, and boom — he’s drowning in run-ins with past lovers and piss-scared of the number 7.”
At press time, it was revealed that McCarrol’s fate was ultimately overruled as further inspection of the deck revealed her next three hands would have contained Invoke Prejudice. When reached for comment on the illegal cards, Planeswalker claimed she just thought the art was cool.