YOUR LIVING ROOM – In a stunning display of poor judgment the least charismatic member of your D&D group has inexplicably chosen to play a Bard, sources confirmed yesterday.
According to reports the campaign, which once held the promise of epic adventures and collaborative storytelling, has been steadily deteriorating since the fateful day when you extended an invitation to your coworker, whose sole qualification was having read The Chronicles of Narnia as a child.
“I thought he’d fit in,” said the group’s Forever DM, who now regrets ever agreeing to host this unkillable burden of a game. “But once he was free from the constraints of workplace banter, it became clear that he was about as interesting as a stale slice of bread.”
Witnesses report that the coworker’s attempts to portray a “charming, half-devil rock star who’s bedded a thousand women” have been nothing short of disastrous, with his in-game persuasion rolls performed with all the allure of a man who hasn’t been in a relationship since his ultra-Catholic high school girlfriend dumped him for trying a beer in college.
“We didn’t think things could get any worse after discovering that our Level 4 Human Fighter was the only one with improv experience,” said the group’s Wizard, who still hasn’t grasped the concept of combat positioning. “But then this guy started insisting on coming up with a unique insult every time he casts Vicious Mockery. It’s painful to watch.”
The campaign’s woes have been compounded by a series of unfortunate player choices, including a Barbarian who spends most sessions glued to their phone and a Rogue whose “edgy pickpocketing” bit got old faster than a Bard’s repertoire of fantasy cover songs.
As the campaign limps towards its inevitable demise, the group has come to a grim realization: the Bard, a man who should really cast “Disguise Self As Someone With A Personality,” has become the final nail in the coffin of their once-promising adventure.
At press time, the group was seen contemplating whether to stage an intervention for their Bard or simply let the campaign die a natural death.
