RENTON, Wash. — The recently announced Fallout-themed Magic: the Gathering crossover decks will require a day one patch, annoyed sources have confirmed.
“This is very normal and the reports coming out are making it sound much worse than it actually is,” stated Wizards of the Coast PR Representative Lance Baker. “Yes, we are aware that sometimes Dogmeat appears without any skin, other times half the cards are in Spanish, and one of our testers keeps shitting himself while playing and he swears it’s related. However, this patch will probably fix these issues. Come on though, you can’t really expect a Fallout game to run well, even in physical card form.”
Gamers familiar with previous Fallout releases were not surprised by this turn of events.
“I’m not surprised by anything anymore,” said Donald Borgson, a Fallout fan with a forlorn gaze. “But don’t worry about me, because there’s a fun way I deal with it: I disassociate. When I begin swearing profusely at my monitor because my character is somehow stuck inside a wall, I disassociate. When I feel a meltdown coming on because I had to reload a sixth time after a required NPC wouldn’t appear, I disassociate. When I find myself sending a baggy of toenail clippings to Bethesda because my 200 hour save corrupted, I disassociate. I think this is a very normal and healthy way to have fun and I am excited to do the same with this card game.“
Gaming historian Henry Tooterman sees this as an inevitable shift for future games of all types.
“It’s not like the old days where a product is released when it’s finished,” said Tooterman. “Even card game designers have realized they can avoid paying people to finish their games and instead have fans do it. It’s now on the community to fix these broken games with unofficial patches. As long as you don’t mind the occasional Thomas the Tank Engine card shoved into your deck, the system works.”
At press time, Wizards of the Coast was reportedly debating whether their new cards will also require an always on internet connection.