CLEVELAND — After failing to grasp the general concept of RPG tabletop gaming, restaurant owner Garth Chibley has used magic to summon a fictional character of his own creation into the real world for disciplinary action. The fast food franchisee attended a Dungeons and Dragons game night with his employees as part of a mandatory corporate team building exercise and was distraught to learn that his character could not max out more than three of his six attributes.
“This is unacceptable”, said Chibley as he closed the summoning circle in the back room of Rockin’ Goblin Games and Collectibles. “I expect every member of my team to give one hundred and ten percent across the board. Maximum strength is no excuse for reduced dexterity. We need to be slaying at an average of 1.7 hits per monster if we’re going to meet our adventuring quota.”
Kor Lloyalenn, Chibley’s level two high elf paladin character, was initially confused at being hurled across dimensions into a strange new world of harnessed lightning and chicken sandwiches, but his confusion turned to utter bafflement when he learned that he was expected to exhibit excellence in both intelligence and wisdom for just five gold per hour, short rests unpaid.
“I have bested the giant yagnoloth, raided the Fortress of A Thousand Screams, and survived the Great Slugmarsh War,” said Lloyalenn, “But I do not believe I have the constitution to merc for this idiot man. He has proclaimed himself High Regent of the Light Arts, yet he knows not even how to cast Magic Missile. How did he even acquire the magic to bring me here, is he what your kind call a ‘nepo-baby’?”
Chibley inherited the mysterious summoning scroll he used to meet his recent hire from his grandfather, along with his Clucky’s Fried Feast franchise and three million dollars.
“I’ve worked very hard to get to where I am today and I only hire people with the same all-in attitude,” said Chibley. “If a character can’t perform the simple task of simultaneously fighting, charming, outwitting, outmaneuvering, outlasting and casting spells on an Ancient Golden Dragon without taking any damage, well then maybe the Clucky’s family just isn’t the right fit for them.”
At press time, Chibley was attempting to write up a D20 for non-compliance.