COLUMBUS, Ohio — Upon a sudden realization that he had completely spaced on buying and painting minifigures for his campaign, local Dungeons and Dragons Dungeon Master Thomas Fallwell reportedly hastily ad-libbed an encounter with a large salt shaker enemy.
“And behind the large, ornate cave door lies, uh, hold on,” stammered Falwell while darting his eyes around the kitchen table. “The Lich King’s prize beast: a malevolent salt shaker! On your perception check, you can tell that the large condiment dispenser is immune to silver weaponry having come into contact with cutlery its entire life. Furthermore, all wounds will inflict additional damage if it manages to sneak a couple flakes into the abrasion.”
Falwell’s fellow players have begun to grow tired of their DM’s ineptitude.
“I have to admire his commitment to his laziness,” player Michael Cromwell said. “Every week we beg him to buy some minifigures or at least print out some pictures or check out a monster manual, but like clockwork every session we’re forced to battle some mustard corrupted by a demon or a shape-changing spoon/fork combo. He could just set his campaigns in a kitchen or food-based world, but he keeps trusting himself to finally get some real minifigs by the next session, and he never does.”
“That being said, the battle against the salt shaker was tough,” Cromwell added. “Its salt attack did massive AOE damage to our party and I think actually even fucked up our Bard’s model in real life.”
At press time, sources reported that the intrepid heroes of the Falwell’s campaign had unfortunately lost one of their party members after succumbing to their Paprika-inflicted injuries.
