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DEAL ALERT: I Only Have Sheep

ATTENTION, settlers!!

Though it’s not my turn yet, it would be CRIMINAL to stay silent about this incredible deal while it passes you by. As my fellow Catan players, you’re in for quite the treat; and while I can’t say how long this once-in-a-game offer will last, you should TRADE NOW if you want to get in early on my misfortune. I only have sheep.

That’s right: my only 6 is on a sheep tile and the robber has been sitting on my bricks for the last seven turns. It’s this unique and highly frustrating set of circumstances that provides you with the golden opportunity to exploit my downright catastrophic prospects for profit. Not only do I have entirely TOO MUCH sheep, but sheep are, impressively, ALL I possess! And for a wood, an ore, or a shoulder to cry on, my sheep can become YOUR sheep faster than you can say “hey, anyone remember what time we started playing this?”

Need a development card? Take my sheep. Building a new settlement? Take my sheep! Have a sheep port? You lucky bastard. You villain of commerce. TAKE my SHEEP.

KEEP IN MIND! Sheep is the currency of the deprived. In this game, where the Laws of Probability hold no jurisdiction and God hears no prayers, the humble sheep is the only bar on the door to a life lived by the blade. ASK YOURSELF: Why does the robber not build settlements with his wealth of stolen goods? Why stand there no craven kingdoms in the desert? It is because the act of theft is both means and end to him. YOU are in the rare position to forestall my spiritual ruin, and the price won’t get any lower than rock-bottom, so take advantage while you can! Offers start at 1-for-1 and go as high as 2-for-1 or frankly 3-for-1 because I have no ports and am simply that desperate for resources.

DON’T WAIT! DEALS ONLY LAST FOR A LIMITED TIME or a long time if we keep rolling 11s. The second the robber gets moved and I’m forced to ritually slaughter half my sheep rounding down is the second your savings go DOWN THE DRAIN.

ACT NOW for me to throw in the little sculpture I made from my spare roads and settlements while waiting for Jen to realize she can’t pull a win out of her ass this turn.

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