ARKHANGELSK, USSR — Soldier Iakov Makarov expressed confusion at his order to stand guard in a men’s room stall on the second floor of Arkhangelsk’s chemical weapons facility, sources report.
“I really don’t understand why I’m stationed here,” Makarov said. “As an incredibly effective soldier who excelled in both basic and special training, I can be of much better use at any other position in this facility. So far as I can tell, there doesn’t seem to be anything particularly special about this bathroom, and even if there was, there are three other soldiers already here. I can’t even see what I’m supposed to be guarding because I was also ordered to keep the stall door shut. I’ve been standing here for the last three hours just staring at it. This just doesn’t make any sense.”
Makarov’s commanding officer Ioakim Nikitin admitted to having erred in issuing the orders to Makarov.
“Yeah, in retrospect, that wasn’t the smartest allocation of my soldiers,” Nikitin conceded. “The chemical weapons we create in this facility are incredibly important to the Motherland, and the gas tanks in the main bottling area are especially integral to production. They definitely could have used a strong defensive presence, so I really should have placed more soldiers there instead of grouping so many of them in the men’s room. I’ll try to do better next time.”
British Secret Service agent James Bond noticed the strange positioning of the soldiers upon breaching the facility.
“I infiltrated the building through the vents, and just happened to drop down in the men’s room,” Bond commented. “There were four soldiers randomly standing guard throughout the room. I followed my assignment and met up with fellow agent Alec Trevelyan in the bottling area, where we detonated the gas tanks. It seems like these soldiers who were in the bathroom for seemingly no reason would have been much more productive near these tanks, but I’m not going to argue with them making my job easier.”
At press time, Nikitin was also second-guessing his strategy of placing so many units of body armor throughout the facility.
