PALLET TOWN — After quietly climbing the ranks and becoming the Pokémon League Champion, Red has broken his vow of silence revealing he was jinxed by Blue back in middle school.
“Fucking finally! You don’t know how frustrating it was to walk across the entire region, fight eight gym leaders, the Elite Four, and countless Team Rocket Grunts all while keeping my mouth shut,” he told our sources outside the Indigo Plateau. “After that jackass jinxed me I had two options, either become the greatest Pokémon Trainer in the world, or buy him a soda.”
The incident occurred in the PokéSchool cafeteria when both Red and Blue said “Dewgong these nuts” at the exact same time. Blue quickly jinxed Red rendering him speechless until Blue said his name three times.
“He came home from school one day and didn’t say a word,” said Red’s Mother as she sat motionless at her kitchen table. “I just assumed he was going through adolescence, and what better way for an eleven year old to come out of his shell than embarking on a cross-country adventure with some little rat thing Professor Oak gave him?”
The young Pokémon Trainer then spent the next several months silently wandering around the Kanto region, aimlessly walking into stranger’s houses, onto cruise ships, and infiltrating an underground crime organization’s secret headquarters.
“I suppose I should’ve gotten some sort of verbal consent before I thrust a Pokémon into that kid’s hands, but he would’ve been killed if he went into that tall grass alone, I saved his life,” said Professor Oak in an interview with Kanto Quarterly. “I never told him to go become a Pokémon Champion, he did that on his own accord.”
What was chalked up by most as being shyness, anxiety, or a monk-like spiritual vow of silence has finally been revealed, showing that if we listen more and talk less we too could become the very best, like no one ever was.
At press time, Red has started a podcast where he can yap on and on to his heart’s content.
