SALEM, MA — A recent change in the size of Hershey’s bars has made tampering with the candy an impossible task for resident weird guy Harold Stalk, frustrated sources confirmed.
“I’m just a little dumbfounded here,” Stalk vented his frustrations in his latest YouTube video on how Hershey’s shrinkflation has completely upended his purpose in life. “I’m the reason that urban legend even exists! Hiding razor blades in candy is literally the only thing that brings me joy! But now you can clearly see the blade poking out of the much-smaller chocolate. What am I supposed to do now?”
While blade-free candy sounds like more of a solution than a problem, local trick-or-treaters found that Halloween just doesn’t feel the same anymore.
“It really takes the thrill out of the whole experience,” Oliver Caramel, 7, commented on Stalk’s video. “It’s called ‘trick-or-treating’ for a reason, you know. The rush you get from blindly devouring your candy haul, not knowing if this chocolate bar will be your last, it really does something for me. It fills a void.”
After Stalk’s video went unexpectedly viral, Hershey responded with a statement of their own.
“We completely understand your frustration”, explained Hershey’s Senior Chocolate Economist, Monet Baggs. “We here at Hershey’s actually think this is a great thing. I mean think about it! Now the would-be lacers have to find new, innovative ways to tamper with their candy. We don’t see this as ‘shrinkflation’, rather an opportunity for a new generation of lacers to make their mark on the world. Feel free to share your new lacing methods with the hashtag #HersheysHalloween! The most revolutionary tamperers will be sent a candy care package, so long as they pay for shipping.”
At press time, Stalk uploaded a new video saying that his problems have been solved after Gillette razors also underwent shrinkflation, allowing the smaller blades to fit inside the smaller candy.
