REDWOOD CITY, Calif. — A newly announced battle pass for this year’s entry of “Seasonal Depression” promises to help users cope with the winter months by earning little treats after completing simple everyday tasks.
“Since I took on this new role, my focus has been on ensuring we provide the best experience to our most dedicated sufferers,” a former EA executive stated. “So far we’ve learned, for there to be a greater sense of accomplishment, it needs to be more about engaging, and not just enduring. With this new paid model, fans have the option to earn what they would have previously received for free, allowing them to feel better about themselves and their daily struggles, by completing daily challenges. We feel this will be met with overwhelming positivity and no backlash whatsoever.”
Some of the more promising tiers include stickers for drinking water, a ‘like’ on a social media post for showering, phone calls from your mom for going to work, and even a late-night Taco Bell run for enjoying any of your favorite hobbies.
“To be honest, I’m more a fan of their ‘Clinical’ series than the ‘Seasonal’ stuff, but I’m definitely enjoying this year’s release so far,” one enthusiastic fan said. “I went to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and managed not to cry alone in my apartment afterward, so I got this sick new feeling that I can’t quite describe. And I’m getting really close to finishing the ‘wake up before two o’clock’ tier, but you have to actually get out of bed for it to count and I just… can’t sometimes… you know? But yeah, I think more people should totally check it out.”
Dr. Aymahl Gewd, head of the Mental Health Awareness Association, gave their professional take on this unusual trend.
“Despite some of my patients calling this new practice a ‘major win,’ we would not officially endorse it as a legitimate form of mental health treatment. Though some rewards like ‘a hug from a friend for brushing your teeth’ or ‘a smile from a stranger if you go outside for more than five minutes’ are certainly enticing, we will always recommend the proven methods of light therapy, self-care, and social connection over anything.”
“That said, while no amount of Taco Bell or social media engagement will fully replace the act of bettering oneself, sometimes it is just what you need to help get through the day.”
At press time, positive reception has led to early development of two new “Depression” seasons of content called “The Next Four Years” and “Existential Dread.” Rumors suggest these new releases will be free bonus add-ons everyone will have to go through, and will mostly consist of community rewards for absolutely insane challenges nobody but you seem to be worried about.
