CHAGRIN FALLS, Ohio — After relieving himself on everything that is actively disliked by large numbers of people, a local child, simply known as “Calvin” has reported that his bladder is now empty. The mischievous six-year-old confirmed his condition in a blog post on his website, UnauthorizedPiss.gov.
“The tank is officially empty,” Calvin’s blog starts. “I didn’t think it was possible, but I’ve peed on just about everything. Fords, Xboxs, political leaders, you name it, there’s been a request for me to drop my pants and pee on it. It’s been fun. I just hope everyone remembers not to tell my mom and dad about these unauthorized urinations, or I’ll be in big trouble.”
What started as a joke, became a golden, luke-warm ticket for Calvin as more and more “pee requests” trickled in. It’s a source of revenue, that while now cut-off, is of no concern to the young entrepreneur.
“I’m six, I’ve got my whole life ahead of me to figure out how to make a living. Yeah, I would love to keep peeing on things, but that’s just not a realistic outlook,” Calvin relents in his blog. “I’ll tell you what I’m not going to do. I’m not going to sell out like the kid down the street, oh what’s his name, Chuck Brown? I think it’s Chuck Brown. That blockhead wants to be an insurance company mascot. What kid wants to sell insurance? Get your head in the clouds Chuck. You could be an astronaut, or a firefighter. I’d rather do math homework than ever be a mascot for insurance, whatever that is.”
A source close to Calvin, who chose to remain anonymous for this story, worries the young boy may have tarnished his image by peeing on things.
“Why do people need this young boy to pee on something they don’t like? Can’t they just dislike it in silence and not make their hate a part of their personality,” the anonymous tiger said in a phone call. “Calvin should be going on adventures and peeing on things for fun, not to send a message.”
At press time, Calvin reportedly was trying to work up a stream of urine while standing over Donald Trump as requested by the president-elect himself.
