Hello America,
We here in Washington D.C. hope that you have been enjoying your free trial of the Department of Education. This is a friendly reminder that your free trial period ends January 20, 2025, and we would hate for you to lose access to the Department’s great features that will totally still be there after inauguration day.
As you have been such an ardent supporter of our services for nearly 45 years, we would love to extend to you an offer to upgrade your subscription to our premium package. We just know you’re going to appreciate what we have in store for you and your families.
With the free version of our service, you may have noticed that some public schools weren’t all that well funded, and that is in no way due to systemic inequities resulting from tying public school funding to local property taxes. These places are just inherently bad and they’re there to serve bad kids, and by “bad” kids, we may or may not mean kids that happen to be “poor”, or “brown”, or “had their limbs shot off by an AR-15 in 3rd period English class”. If you upgrade to our paid service today, we can find an empty spot at the almost-fancy private school that our buddy runs and your child can learn about our lord and savior Jesus on the taxpayer’s dime away from all those woke freaks. That’s if you’ve already got the money, of course; education is a privilege and not a human right, after all.
But hey, what if you actually are one of those poor weirdos? We’ve read all of your suggestions about our free trial’s “Student Loan” feature, and we are happy to report that starting next year, this feature will be fully privatized. That means in just two short months, the payments you’ve been making for the entirety of your post-graduate lives while working two jobs that refuse to pay you overtime will be overseen by a team of loving businesses. And as we all know, large corporations historically always meet the needs of the working class! Expect low interest rates especially once the profits from the 80s finally trickle down which is definitely going to happen any day now!
But that’s not all! On top of all these new and exciting benefits, our team is hard at work developing further updates for our Department of Education services. Please look forward to future releases that will aim to:
- Remove protections for those privileged gay and trans kids.
- Institute monthly book burnings.
- Optimize the school-to-prison pipeline.
Thank you for continuing to work with us after all this time; it truly means the world to us—you know, the normal parts of the world. Not the parts with the immigrants that are poisoning the blood of our country.
Don’t miss out on this amazing offer!
- The Trump Administration
