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Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader Desperately Lobbying Congress to Ban TikTok

The Bathroom Reader’s Institute, makers of the Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader series of books, has reportedly urged the US Senate to vote yes on the bill banning TikTok – or at least pass some bathroom scrolling tax to level the playing field.

The controversial bill has already been passed by the House of Representatives and President Biden has said he will sign it if passed by the Senate, potentially forcing TikTok parent company ByteDance to sell TikTok to an American company.

Company spokesperson Melanie Pringle, who has proposed a “Bathroom Entertainment Equality Act” to be added to a military funding package, offered the publisher’s perspective on the issue.

“This issue is so much larger than the latest edition of our Bathroom Reader, which is chock full of corny factoids for you to learn while you’re on the can — all at a price that has to be seen to be believed,” Pringle said. “Since 1988 the Bathroom Reader has changed the way Americans take a dump. How many hours of idle chit chat have taken place solely because there was a time when the only reading material available to us on the toilet was either a bathroom reader or a wrinkled old magazine that was kept on the back of the toilet? That’s what’s at stake here.”

Herschel Smith, a longtime fan and advocate of the Bathroom Reader series has been lobbying on behalf of The Bathroom Institute, and has been invited to testify before the Senate as they consider this bill.

“Before the Bathroom Reader existed I struggled to make small talk. In fact, I wouldn’t have met my wife Shirley if it hadn’t been for that first book back in ‘88,” Mr. Smith said. “If I hadn’t told her about the origins of Silly Putty while we were waiting at the bus stop we wouldn’t be together today. If I’d been too busy watching videos, our kids wouldn’t have gone on to be valedictorians graduating summa cum laude. We owe everything we have to Uncle John and his wonderful books. I hope Congress does the right thing and shuts down TikTok. It’s destroying our country. I can’t strike up a conversation about Stanley cups. I just can’t.”

Senator Bernie Sanders(I-VT) offered his opinion on the matter after news of the bill’s passage in the House broke.

“TikTok is one of the tools the millionaires and billionaires in the tech industry are using to dumb down an entire generation of young people in our country, and frankly I think it’s a disgrace,” Senator Sanders said. “Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader has played a crucial role in keeping our country informed of easily digestible facts that can slide right out during any conversation with friends and family the last thirty-five years. Unless these huge corporations like TikTok are kept in check soon the only thing left to read in the bathroom if your phone dies or you leave it in the other room will be the back of the shampoo bottle, left conveniently out of reach. It’s shameful, it’s really shameful. I will be voting yes on this bill.”

At press time, Senator Sanders was seen placing copies of the Bathroom Reader on the desks of all his colleagues along with a personalized note imploring them to vote yes on the TikTok ban.

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