PALM BEACH, Fla. — After an exhausting end of campaign push in swing states across the country, President-elect and convicted felon Donald Trump was surprised to learn that hotels in Monopoly make money, sources at Mar-a-Lago confirm.
Trump and his closest confidants gathered together for a calming game of Monopoly late Tuesday night to prepare for the absolute destruction of democracy.
“It’s a nice distraction for Mr. Trump, he loves Monopoly,” said Vice President-elect JD Vance to the press. “And it was good to finally get some face time with him. Now that we’ll be working closely together on dismantling the democratic institutions of America, it’s good we had a chance to talk, however briefly.”
Attendees for the night included Vance, as well as Trump’s three sons, Eric, Don Jr. and Barron.
“Melania was invited too, but we took her six months of silence as a no,” Eric told reporters when pressed about the small turnout.
As the game commenced it became clear to those around him that Trump was not in the right state of mind for a whimsical game night with the family.
“He literally owned property in Atlantic City, he should be way better at this,” said Trump’s youngest son, Barron. “But all he was worried about was getting out of landing on the Income Tax spot and why the hotel pieces didn’t have his name on them.”
The night did take a turn, however, when Trump began collecting colorful currency from the other players. A rush of energy seemed to shoot through the bronzed 78 year old man. This excitement only grew when Trump realized the hotels in the board game actually make you money.
“It was the happiest I’ve seen him in years,” said Don Jr smoking a cigar laced with cocaine at the end of the night. “He giggled every time he passed go, and eventually started waxing poetic about the ‘late great Mr. Monopoly,’ we didn’t have the heart to tell him he isn’t dead and isn’t real.”
The night concluded with Trump in the lead with the most money, as well as the most control over the properties, including pivotal swing space, Pennsylvania and North Carolina Avenues.
“I couldn’t believe it,” said Trump. “I mean hotels that make money legally. What a concept. I was swiping money from everyone’s pile when they weren’t looking and then one of my sons, Evan I think his name is, told me, ‘Dad’ he said, ‘Dad the hotels here make you money that you collect from players, you don’t have to steal it.’ Wow. That’s news to me, but what a brilliant concept let me tell you.”
At press time, the Mar-a-Lago community Monopoly game was discovered to be missing its ‘Get Out Of Jail Free’ cards.
