While many details concerning what, why, and how the January 6th attack on the capital happened have been extensively covered and debated, one question remains unanswered: where were the Operators of Ubisoft’s long-running team shooter Rainbow Six: Siege when the insurrection went down? How strong are their alibis? Where were these elite men, women, and one non-binary member of the Belgian Special Forces on that fateful day?
Well, wonder no longer. Today, I’ll be ranking the Operators of Rainbow Six: Siege based on how well their alibis hold up when questioned about their whereabouts on January 6th.
#70: Blackbeard
Craig Jenson, nicknamed Blackbeard for reasons unknown, is a U.S. Navy Seal whose unique rifle-mounted shields make him an excellent front-line Operator on any team that can support him. Unfortunately, that team on January 6th was the MAGA mob that breached police perimeters outside the United States Capitol Building as Congress was beginning the electoral vote count. He is currently serving 10 years in federal prison for tea-bagging Nancy Pelosi’s desk, and is expected to return to Rainbow Six: Siege in a later patch once his sentence is complete.
#69: Thorn
“Hey! Sorry I couldn’t make it to board game night, hope you guys didn’t have too much fun without me! XD My brother was in town and we had dinner planned weeks beforehand, you know I wouldn’t purposefully miss out on some Ticket to Ride action!”
Do I? Do I know that Brianna? Because last time we played you complained the whole time that most of the game was just “waiting for it to be your turn.” Listen, pixie cut princess whose signature gadget is a war crime, you don’t have to enjoy Ticket to Ride, in fact few do. But lying to your friends, only to get caught on camera at the makeshift gallows erected outside the Capitol Building? I can excuse calling for the hanging of Vice President Mike Pence, but ditching board game night for an insurrection is two steps too far.
#68: Pulse
Just look at him. There’s no way he didn’t go.
#67: Glaz
Where there’s smoke, there’s Glaz. With the help of his HDS Flipsight, Spetsnaz sniper Timur Glazkov can spot the yellow glow of an enemy from a mile away through smoke and tear gas alike. If only he used his abilities for good, instead of providing critical intel to the Proud Boys infiltrating the Rotunda on January 6th. That’s right, Glaz was there. He barely offered an excuse when I asked where he was all night, like he knew he’d gone too far this time. Like he knew he’d opened a rift we could never mend. The slick of dried tear gas on his cheeks; the bruise where U.S. Capitol Police shoved him back. A gentle caress will never wash these stains from my love’s face.
#66: Fuze
Is he stupid? FUZE, THE PICS ARE STILL UP ON YOUR SOCIAL MEDIA. Dumbass.
#65: Echo
As usual, Echo’s streaming schedule conflicted with our monthly game night. This is by design, since we all hate that guy, on account of him being an embarrassing Elon Musk simp and only playing Fox in Melee. It wasn’t a surprise when he didn’t show that night on January 6th. What was surprising was when one of his little perv Yokai drones banged against the window at 11:00 PM with a basket and a little note attached saying “In jail 🙁 $$$ for bail?” We all pretended we couldn’t read his handwriting, but the drone still stuck around all night nudging our legs.
#64: Clash
Morowa “Clash” Evans went on record to say she was among the officers at the Capitol Building on January 6th. From that statement, I think we’re supposed to assume she was working in her capacity as a police officer. Uh huh. To the people asking where the cops were when pro-Trump rioters stormed the Capitol, I pose a similar question: Why do you never see Hannah Montana and Miley Cyrus on stage at the same time?
#63: Frost
“I told you, I meant to come to Sens’s game thing, but old habits die hard, and I spent the evening camping in my living room.”
That’s not what Jackal said. He was put on your tail ever since you started retweeting The Babylon Bee. You were clumsy, Tina. He didn’t need his Eyenox to follow your trail. You did leave to attend game night, same as me. But unlike me, you never arrived. So, the question stands: where were you?
“Fine. You’re gonna make me say it? I… got caught in my own Welcome Mat on the way there. It was snowy, and I didn’t see it. I ended up having to limp back to my place with a 20% speed debuff, and I was too embarrassed to call any of you. Happy?”
Very.
Oh, there’s just one more thing, Frost. The ability to free yourself from a Welcome Mat was introduced in the Y8S3.3 patch. That released this year. On January 6th, 2021? No such luck. You’re under arrest.
#62: IQ
IQ excels at intel gathering when it comes to sniffing out enemy gadgets and electronics right under their noses. Following in that same spirit, I stole her phone while she was in the bathroom and used Brava’s Kludge Drone to hack it open (thanks Nayara). IQ claims on the 6th of January she was settled in for an afternoon of writing, hammering out the next chapter of her sci-fi novel The Star is a Body (and All Bodies Bruise), when Osa stopped by unannounced, asking if she wanted to grab a bite sometime or something, no pressure. IQ’s texts from later that evening confirm flirting on Osa’s end, but Weiss’s feelings are unclear, which Osa seems to sense, and she consequently backs off, having dated too many women who only know what they want once it’s passed them by. But IQ’s not like that, is she? Battle has made her hard, but with Osa, she feels a softness she hasn’t felt with any other team member. It persists through her ballistic vest, that soft spot: a weakness she can never barricade against, never reinforce, and that scares her more than a bullet. That Osa can cut her down with a single look.
#61: Osa
But is it any easier for Osa? Having the power to stop her friend’s heart with a teasing glance, a concerned touch on the shoulder? Who has more to fear: the woman whose heart could break, or the woman who might break it? Osa has been both women before, Attacker and Defender of her own best interests, the hammer that falls and the nail that gives way, the bullet and the recoil all at once— and it’s changed her.
But maybe, with IQ, she could change again. Maybe, when she reaches for her teammate’s hand, as they walk home from a dinner full of laughs and looks that could bruise, looks that say bruise me, maybe IQ won’t flinch away. Maybe, they could change each other, and find, in softness, strength. And in strength… love?
I don’t know where they went after dinner, so it’s possible they were at the January 6th insurrection.
#60: Fenrir
Fenrir claims he was at a party on the afternoon of January 6th, which begs the question: Dude has other friends? Who? Is there something wrong with our group? Does he talk about Rainbow behind our backs? Does he think we’re overbearing? I had Valkyrie install a few Black Eye cameras in his house, car, and BDSM dungeon to answer some of these questions. Turns out, this trapper and crowd control specialist is just kinky, which is something he understandably can’t admit to his teammates at Rainbow since we’d make fun of him mercilessly, more than we already do.
Now, kink is a touchy subject, often literally. Planning meetups among like-minded individuals often requires the use of secretive, self-contained social media groups with little to no oversight composed of dedicated members with a shared doctrine. Sound familiar? The Proud Boys, the alt-right militia group who spearheaded the initial breach of the Capitol Building on January 6th, were also fond of meetups.
Makes you think.
#59: Buck
When I asked Sebastien “Buck” Côté where he was on January 6th, the lovable oaf seemed a little lost. At first he gave me a sort of quivering smile, his eyes sliding this way and that like a child trying to lie, before announcing he was “indeed” at the Capitol Building participating in the resurrection. I asked if he meant the insurrection, and you could tell he really wanted to cry.
Poor Buck. He just wants to do something with the big kids. How would he have even gotten to the Capitol Building? Someone would have to drive him.
#58: Nomad
Just her presence would probably give a Proud Boy a heart attack.
#57: Nøkk
Nøkk “Nøkk” Nøkk is the pinnacle of a stealth attacker in Rainbow Six: Siege, with the HEL glove attachment reducing her ambient noise and her silenced SIX12 semi-automatic shotgun being the ultimate weapon of choice for those willing to trade accuracy and kills for a big, silly Nerf gun. I was unable to contact Nøkk when making this list. That could be considered a red flag if not for the fact that to my knowledge no one has ever been able to contact Nøkk for anything.
#56: Zero
On January 6th, 2021, Splinter Cell’s Sam Fisher was reportedly holding out for another game in his long-dormant franchise, so it’s unlikely he would risk joining an insurrection. This was a pensive time of year for him, as it was almost the 1st anniversary of his addition to Rainbow Six, where he would bring with him his signature Argus Launcher gadget and a passing resemblance to the actual Sam Fisher.
#55: Rook
Rook was a late addition to our game night on January 6th. Usually he doesn’t go, since the man only plays Euro-style games and we don’t have all damn day for that, so we were all surprised when he showed up shaking, his hands covered in blood, the skin split open at the knuckles.
“I didn’t know where else to go,” he said, eyes raw from tears. “I… I think I’ve done something… I didn’t mean to… well, maybe I did, heh heh, oh god, OH GOD, maybe I did…”
He got halfway through a game of Codenames before fully breaking down.
“Hush, brother,” we cooed, many hands drying his soft cheeks. “Bring us to the body. Bring us to this life you stole, this waste of flesh. We will make it go away. That is our promise as brothers in arms, in blood. Come, and partake in our games.”
After running some poor shit’s body over with Ram’s BU-GI Auto Breacher several times and tossing the remains through a matrix of Surya Gates, Rook joined us back at Sens’s house for a grueling five-hour game of Terra Mystica, which seemed to brighten him up a bit. Still not sure where he was before all that, though.
#54: Caveira
“I couldn’t have been there, stop asking me. I told you, yes, it really does take a full day to put on the makeup. You can’t half-ass it. Plus, it takes like thirty minutes alone just to squeeze into these soft, silent little shoes.”
#53: Alibi
Had a strong one.
#52: Iana
I have to admit I’m rather torn on Iana’s alibi for January 6th. After all, witnesses can attest (myself included) that she attended game night for the entire seven hours. After two hours, however, I started to get suspicious of the way she refused to eat or drink or physically interact with game pieces. Other Operators also reported the faint whirring of rotor blades when sitting next to her during Settlers of Catan, but we were all a little drunk. When I asked Iana about all this, whether she was indeed using her signature Gemini Replicator to get out of hanging with us in person, she sadly shook her head and refused to speak to me as she floated out of the room. I’m sorry Iana, I should’ve never accused you of being a hologram while the real you participated in the world’s stupidest insurrection. I hope you forgive me.
#51: Jackal
There’s no way he’d miss out on Twister, the man is absolutely obsessed with people’s feet.
#50: Vigil
Chul Kyung “Vigil” Hwa was at the January 6th insurrection by his own admission. There’s even footage of him beating a young adult Oath Keeper with a can of soup and smothering a Blue Lives Matter shithead with his own flag. Hell yeah.
#49: Kaid
Kaid doesn’t remember much these days, it’s quite sad. The doctors warned us he’d have good days and bad, but why does it feel like the good days are getting worse and the bad days are becoming bad weeks, bad months? Your old team misses you, Jalal. We miss your full-belly laughs, your meticulous grooming, your eye for strategy and your teasing gibes. We know you would’ve loved January 6th, too, and the fact that you probably weren’t there is enough to break my lonely heart.
#48: Sens
As Rainbow Six’s sole non-binary murderer, Sens has a lot of representation resting on their shoulders. Luckily, I’m happy to report they’re an amazing, upright individual and competent support Operator! Even before they were a part of Rainbow, Sens was kind enough to lend their house for game nights, becoming fast friends with the team despite our natural distrust of people with funny hair. The only reason Sens isn’t lower on this list is because I saw them duck into the bathroom when we were twenty minutes into a game of setting up Scythe, making the excuse that they “didn’t know what they had agreed to” and “oh god, I need a moment to breathe”. Could they, in the 16 minutes they claim to have been hyperventilating in the bathroom, have participated in an unprecedented attempt to disrupt the peaceful transition of power at the U.S. Capitol Building? I’ll be sure to ask them after we finish our game of Scythe.
#47: Ash
“I was filming an IDF propaganda video for the Israeli government.”
Yeah, this one checks out.
#46-1: Everyone else!
Oh my god you guys, this was so much fun. All the other Operators came and we had a blast! Thermite turned out to be a natural at The Resistance, meanwhile Lion and Mira wiped the floor with us at Scrabble and Shamans. Maverick and Hibana brought snacks, while Azami did knife tricks with her kunai and showed us how to kill a man with nothing but a pencil sharpener and a loaded gun. A lot of fun was had outside the games too, if you get my meaning. I personally caught Flores making out with Sledge in Sens’s bathroom (I think Sens was still in there), Brava and Twitch got frisky in the kitchen, and Capitão swears he saw Blitz and Ram share a moment. But you didn’t hear that from me!
God, these guys… they’re my best friends. They all showed up, they all came ready to party, and they all watched Sens’s TV in horror as rioters stormed our sacred Capitol Building in an act of domestic terrorism that resulted in five deaths. I can’t wait to see them again. But for now, the cherished memories of the times we shared and the body we buried together in Sens’s garden will have to be enough.
