WASHINGTON, DC — After failing to finish watching a 15 second clip of heavily edited police body cam footage, local Twitter user Josh Aaronson yet again avoided becoming radicalized by the racist media he repeatedly consumes, reports confirmed.
“Listen, if you actually watch the evidence, you can clearly see that, um, well— the cop never… he’s clearly, uh… clearly the cop is—” said Aaronson before trailing off and waving his hand in the air dismissively.
Sources confirmed that despite having the poor reasoning skills and deep-seated fears needed to be radicalized, Aaronson was too distracted by the Subway Surfer in the bottom half of the screen for any talking point to really stick.
When reached for comment, a spokesperson for www.NewsTruth1776.com, the site which posted the original video, expressed frustration about this problem among its readers.
“We spend a long time curating our reporting to really paint a certain picture of a certain demographic in the United States. But nothing gets through to this guy,” the spokesperson said, saying that Aaronson wasn’t alone. “Our all-time most popular post is an ‘Oddly Satisfying’ compilation overlaid on a GIF of a waving American Flag.”
Aaronson’s family has mixed feelings about his predicament. Despite Aaronson being incapable of focusing on any task for an extended period of time, his wife sees a silver lining.
“While it is concerning that his brain has been spit roasted by his phone and laptop, it’s nice not being worried when politics gets brought up at Thanksgiving dinner. He’s a sweet and good man because none of the stuff his algorithm feeds him has any lasting impact on him,” said Matilda Aaronson.
At press time, Aaronson was watching the latest post from www.NewsTruth1776.com on his phone and laptop, which features different fruits in a hydraulic press while a narrator reads the 14 words, all of which were lost on Aaronson.
