WASHINGTON — After two weeks of being deceased, Sen. Dianne Feinstein respawned in her Capitol Hill office last night, alarmed sources have confirmed.
“During the Senator’s 30 years in office she had accrued 30,000 points of experience which she exchanged for extra lives from a merchant who lives in the Capitol Hill Tunnel System,” explained James Sauls, Sen. Feinstein’s Chief of Staff, earlier this morning. The great news is she’s in good spirits, and after a few frames of invulnerability, will get back to work representing her constituents.”
This is not the first time the former senator cashed in an extra life of hers during her time in office. Back in January, after a particularly long Senate session, Feinstein used one on purpose in order to quickly respawn to her office, avoiding a long commute.
“She just appeared in her chair like she’d been there all night,” said an intern on Feinstein’s staff. “Scared the shit out of me. A lot of people were surprised she lived so long, but when you’ve seen what I’ve seen, you would wonder how she didn’t live longer. She was really flying through those lives by the end, I think. The whole game had just gotten to hard for her.”
Unfortunately, Feinstein’s seat in the Senate had been filled by Sen. Laphonza Butler, who has no intention of relinquishing the position.
“There’s no way we’d remove the first openly gay black woman from the Senate for another decrepit white person,” said a member of Butler’s staff. “If the reanimated Ms. Feinstein would like to represent her constituents, I recommend she find a local election and run for office or something.”
As of press time, the respawned Dianne Feinstein has become an emerging name in the Speaker of the House vacancy.