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Musk and Zuckerberg Agree to Fight Just to Feel Touch of Fellow Human

SAN FRANCISCO — Billionaires and social media CEOs Mark Zuckerberg and Elon Musk have agreed to a mixed martial arts fight, mostly just to remember what it’s like to have someone touch them, sources have confirmed. 

“Ah yes, a cage fight, something I’ve always been interested in,” said 51-year-old divorcee Musk. “I will start training immediately and forge myself into one of the greatest fighters this world has ever seen, much as I have conquered the worlds of business and social media. Oh hey, in MMA, do the fighters ever do that thing where they kinda hang onto each other for a while? I’m uh, just wondering. ‘Cause if not, this may have to be a boxing match!” 

While chronic loneliness seems an obvious motivation for Musk to enter the physical engagement, the married Zuckerberg’s motives remain slightly less clear. 

“I’ve been happily married for over a decade,” he said. “There is no loneliness here, I assure you. I have a very normal human life and I do all the normal things that people do, and my money has definitely provided me a lot of happiness. I feel very fulfilled. In fact, I have nothing to prove. I might just stand there in that cage and just let Elon wail on me, who knows? I sure would feel something, that’s for sure.” 

At press time, Jeff Bezos sent a memo to all employees of Amazon asking if anyone felt like wrestling him.

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