WASHINGTON — At a news conference earlier today, Mitch McConnell shocked the gathered crowd as he displayed what’s known in gaming circles as ‘the red ring of death,’ a malfunction previously thought exclusive to the Xbox 360 video game console.
“Oh man, that can’t be good for Mitch,” said Charlie Langdon, a photographer that was in attendance. “I remember when my 360 did that and there were all these crazy ideas on the internet about how to fix it, but they were all bullshit. It’s a serious malfunction that needs to be treated as such. No way you just wrap the guy in towels and let him sit overnight. They need to get Mitch back to the factory where they made him as soon as possible!”
The ‘red ring of death,’ which generally indicates an issue with the power supply, appeared on McConnell’s face shortly after the beginning of a press conference. Prominent Republicans insist the matter isn’t as serious as some are making it out to be.
“Sure, he glitched a little bit up there and started blinking red from his forehead,” said Senator John Barrasso (R-Wyo.), who assisted McConnell away from the podium after the ring appeared. “But this was just a little oopsie, no big deal. Find me an 81-year-old man that doesn’t blink red once in a while. To be on the safe side, however, we have filed a support ticket with Microsoft and are just hoping they still know how to deal with this. They think they can have him as good as new in three to four weeks! It honestly won’t even be his longest vacation this year.”
As of press time, President Biden had worried onlookers himself when he inexplicably started drifting to the left while delivering a speech to gathered construction workers.
