Press "Enter" to skip to content

Jordan Peterson Crying Two Minutes Into Debate With Elmo

Public intellectual Jordan Peterson reportedly broke down into a loud sobbing fit just two minutes into a debate on the future of Western Civilization with muppet character Elmo.

The debate, promoted as the culmination of a long-standing feud between the prominent professor and muppet, was not released. According to sources close to the incident, filming was abruptly stopped to avoid, “what seemed like could become a violent situation.”

Peterson, who says he collects art made by victims of muppet-based violence, pulled no punches when it came to what he thought of his opponent in the debate.

“The dirty collectivist bastard,” Peterson said of the three-year-old furry red muppet adored by children around the world. “Post-modernists like Elmo don’t understand they actually advocate for mass killing – is that what you want? Well, then – no way. Sorry. Not me. I won’t stand for it.”

Peterson said he had a plan of action to combat his apparent emotional volatility including restrictive dieting and a series of bizarre oversea procedures.

“It’s the inherently mother – the biblically divine feminine even – in my food,” he said, eyes welling up. “Oh god, I think there was something on my steak. If someone squeezes some lemon in my water without me knowing I can be sick for weeks.”

The Elmo debate is not the first time Peterson has been recorded crying, with prior incidents occurring at rather sporadic or seemingly out of place moments. Heather Klein, a psychologist at the University of California Berkeley, said there were parts of Peterson’s emotional display that she found positive.

“In many ways it’s good to see Mr. Peterson show the young men who follow him that it really is OK for men to cry. Trying to be stoic 24/7 can lead to serious outbursts and doesn’t allow loved ones to know when these men need support,” Klein said. “That being said he could suck it up a bit – dude cries all the time.”

Arguments over who won the short, unaired debate raged online. Elmo’s fanbase released doctored tweets showing inflammatory statements not made by Peterson, and Peterson’s fanbase threatened to go “door to door” on Sesame Street “until enough muppet blood had been spilled.”

“I will not let Western Civilization fall to the muppet scum,” one Peterson supporter, who credits the professor with saving his life, said. “And I will not let the muppet-loving media pretend Peterson lost the Elmo debate. If anything, he was probably only crying because he just understands the consequences of muppet ideology when they take power.”

As of press time, Elmo was unavailable for comment.