JERUSALEM — Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has cited America’s substantial GenocideFAQs page as a major credit to their success in annihilating every man, woman, and child in Gaza.
The Philadelphian turned tinpot dictator spoke to the UN and, between rounds of raucous applause, explained how indispensable the American guide on genocide has been in their own campaign against Palestine.
“We knew for decades that we wanted to do a genocide run in the Gaza Strip, but always felt we came up short,” Netanyahu said. “Thanks to America’s comprehensive guide on eradicating an entire people, we’ve been more successful in the last year than ever before. It turns out when you say you’re fighting terrorism you can act with impunity. I even began using a Palestinian child’s skull as an ashtray. All I had to say was they were Hamas and my good friend Joe Biden asked if I could get him one of his own. I told him, ‘Of course, I have thousands!’”
President Biden spoke to the press about the matter. Reiterating the refrain that Israel has a right to defend itself.
“America will stand by our allies in Israel, and we wouldn’t have published our GenocideFAQs if we didn’t want our friends to use them, and no one has been a better friend to America than Israel. That’s why we will continue sending them billions in arms without hesitation,” President Biden said. “The Hamburglar attack on October 7th is what caused this conflict, not Israel. You can quote me on that and take it to the bank, Jack!”
Secretary of State Antony Blinken removed his head from the deepest recesses of Netanyahu’s ass long enough to make his own statement.
“Do we condemn the reckless killing of civilians? Absolutely,” Secretary Blinken said. “But as our friends in the IDF have verified, more than 100% of the population in the Gaza Strip are part of Hamas. And as you all know, Hamas are terrorists and it’s clearly stated in America’s GenocideFAQs that the most effective way to commit an ethnic cleansing is by implying all members of a specific group of people are terrorists so I’m failing to see what the issue is. Now if you’ll excuse me, it’s growing cold and I must return to the warm embrace of Bibi’s ass.”
At press time, the IDF had begun issuing print copies of America’s GenocideFAQs page to all of their enlisted members.
