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Introducing: Glitch McConnell

COVINGTON, Ky. — Republicans recently debuted Glitch McConnell, a racist robot who will assist them in voting against human rights and equality at every turn now that Mitch McConnell appears to be nearing the end of his life cycle.

“A lot of people think this is just my good friend, republican senator Mitch McConnell — but it’s not!” exclaimed Texas Senator Ted Cruz while proudly unveiling the android at a Republican conference. “This is just how lifelike our advanced, anti-woke technology has come. This is in fact, Glitch McConnell! And as per a law we have recently passed; he is allowed to vote in congress. Another victory for democracy!” 

Many questioned the ethics of replacing the Senate Minority Leader with a robotic imitation of himself, while others in the party supported it. 

“I think it’s a good thing,” said Skeeter Bradshaw, an attendant of the conference. “One more vote against all that unnatural stuff like abortions and affordable healthcare. Praise Glitch McConnell! I think it’s great that we have a robot that runs on oatmeal working in the Senate. That’s why it’s always eating oatmeal by the way. It’s his lifeblood. Anyway, I thing it’s doing a great job, and I’m sure they’ll work out the bugs and it’ll stop spacing out so much pretty soon here.”

As of press time, Glitch McConnell had glitched out at his welcome conference and unexpectedly shut down, prompting a standing applause from gathered Republicans.