Back in 2006, Nintendo marketed the Wii as a family console for gamers of all ages. But when someone says all ages, they usually aren’t referring to people who look like they’d turn to dust in a light breeze. Luckily, the legislative body of the United States isn’t so picky, so we put Nintendo’s advertising to the test and ranked every Wii accessory based on how easy it would be for California Senator Dianne Feinstein to use!
#13 — Dance Dance Revolution Mat
Asking Dianne Feinstein to stomp all over a loose plastic mat on the floor is like handing Daffy Duck a cigar with a lit fuse. This is nothing but a vehicle for pain.
#12 — Wii Wheel
Good god do not let this woman behind the wheel of an automobile. I don’t trust most senators to drive, let alone one who is old enough to remember when Model A’s were on the road. Can you imagine this woman trying to navigate the five-lane Capital Beltway?
#11 — Rock Band Guitar
You’d think that a woman older than the electric guitar would have a leg up on using one of these bad boys. But being a San Francisco politician in the 60’s and 70’s makes Dianne a part of “the Man” trying to silence the music of the people. Also I don’t think her shoulder could bear the weight of this thing.
#10 — Tatsunoko vs Capcom Fight Stick
I’m pretty sure it would be easier to teach a chimp to use a fight stick than a member of the Silent Generation. All you need to train an ape is some fruit and good old classical conditioning, today’s senators expect thousands of dollars in campaign funds.
#9 — Wii Classic Controller
This waste of plastic gets a low rating because it was ergonomically designed with no one in mind. People of every creed and color can come together and agree that making a controller without palm grips should be illegal, so I can’t fault Feinstein for having a rough time with this one. At least Nintendo fixed it on the Pro model.
#8 — uDraw Tablet
When I look deeply into Senator Feinstein, I find not the soul of an artist, nor the heart of a gamer.
#7 — Wii Balance Board
A few months ago this one would have been a no-brainer top candidate. All you need to do is stand on it and you’re technically playing a video game. But after recent events I’m not so sure she can even do that.
#6 — Nunchuck
The nunchuck is a joystick and two buttons, it’s hard to fuck this one up.
#5 — Babysitting Mama Baby
Old ladies are usually pretty good with babies, so if you tell her this plush doll is her great-grandchild her cataract-riddled eyes won’t be able to tell the difference. Just don’t let her know the kid cares about climate change.
#4 — Wii Speak
A microphone for voice activated games seems like a perfect match for a staunch NSA supporter like Feinstein. She shouldn’t have a problem using this one, provided she has an aide on standby to nudge her when she needs to wake up and speak.
#3 — Wii MotionPlus
The MotionPlus add-on was introduced with the sole purpose of allowing the Wii Remote to sense subtle movements. I can think of few products better for a woman who has to go to the hospital every time she raises her arm too fast.
#2 — Wii Zapper
Listen, has Senator Feinstein parroted the talking point that video games cause gun violence? Yes. But this is America, your local Cabela’s would sell a gun to a mop if it was wearing Realtree camo.
#1 — Wii Vitality Sensor
It’s a shame that this Nintendo oximeter was canceled, because I think this is one of the few accessories Dianne could actually use. The only thing you need to play with this puppy is a pulse, so she’s probably got a good few months left to game!
