In times of uncertainty, many Americans – like myself – retreat into the warm embrace of beloved movies and comfort TV. Unfortunately, what I thought would’ve been a nice escape to a galaxy far, far away, turned out to be a bleak reflection of the very thing I’m trying to avoid! This is a list of every Trump Cabinet member if they were one of Jabba the Hutt’s goons.
President: Donald Trump/Jabba The Hutt
The parallels here are uncanny. They both have amassed a following of blindly devoted freaks and weirdos, they both spend millions of taxpayer dollars to attend sporting events they have no stake in, and they both keep an attractive young woman chained to their side at all times. The only big difference is that Jabba self moisturizes where Trump’s tongue isn’t big enough to reach.
Vice President: JD Vance / Gammorean Guards
As a plump, easily-manipulated pig-man, JD Vance has effortlessly bent a knee to our new commander in chief. And if he ever shows any sign of disloyalty, we can just feed him to the Rancor and pluck another one off the shelf, no sweat!
Secretary of State: Marco Rubio / Greedo
“Marclunkey!” spouts Marco Rubio before he’s shot in the back by a way cooler bounty hunter.
Secretary of the Treasury: Scott Bessent / Tessek
As the big man’s go-to money guy, Tessek needs to be flexible, and ready for anything. There’s always a possibility that the boss accepts a human man frozen in carbonite as payment. Or decides to boycott the galactic trade federation’s new tariffs and reclaim the outer-rims trade routes, forcing the galaxy into a civil war. Tessek is very prepared for both of those very real possibilities.
Secretary of Defense: Pete Hegseth / Tanus Spijek
After hosting Jabba’s favorite conservative daytime talk show for years, Tanus Spijek got the opportunity of a lifetime to join Hutt’s organized crime syndicate. Where else could a violent, testosterone-fueled alcoholic make incredibly brash decisions with global implications?
Attorney General: Pam Bondi / J’Quille
J’Quille plans to release the Mace Windu assassination documents along with Palpatine flight logs. She was also an integral voice in keeping male Twi’lek out of female Twi’lek sports.
Head of DOGE : Elon Musk / Bib Fortuna
Bib Fortuna is the translucent-skinned right hand to the President of the United States. He has recently spearheaded initiatives to make comedy legal in Jabba’s Palace again as well as cutting off several leeching bounty hunters with the DarkSaber of Democracy. His tense, ketamine-addicted energy is the perfect counterpart to Jabba’s apparent sundowning.
Secretary of Health & Human Services: Robert F. Kennedy Jr./ Salacious Crumb
Jabba’s court jester is known to do push-ups in the Oval Office shirtless with jeans on. It’s a peak physical specimen who’s also been known to swallow an entire Filet-o-Fish by simply throwing its head back.
Secretary of Homeland Security: Kristi Noem / Sy Snootles
After not liking what he saw, Jabba sent Sy Snootles to get extensive plastic surgery in the 90s and made LucasFilm pay for it. She’s adept at singing a song in any room while the men around her make the real decisions.
Chief of Staff: Susie Wiles / EV-9D9
Susie Wiles (also known as Queen of Durasteel and Mistress of Mayhem) was originally a peaceful, hardworking moisture vaporator mechanic, however a programming defect made her enjoy tormenting other droids making her a perfect candidate for Chief of Staff
