WASHINGTON — Late last night, Elon Musk issued a statement on X (Formerly Twitter.com) revealing that he discovered he was not the first person to masterbate to hentai in The White House.
“I was sitting in the Oval Office alone, because I can be, and decided to indulge in one of the only good things to come out of Japan,” Musk posted, never one to shy away from his sexual habits. “After I finished beating my meat within an inch of its life, I got curious to see if I was the first person to ever jerk it to hentai in The White House. I just like to think like that. I’m a trendsetter. It wasn’t a school night, so I had my team of DOGE officials look to see if anyone has ever logged into some of my go to hentai sites, such as *****, *****, or my favorite, Deviantart.”
*Hard Drive has censored the names of these sites, as they are not only full of incredibly pornographic images but also loaded with various computer viruses.
Musk’s team found that the first person to access these sites from the White House was back in 2003. An anonymous source has come forward claiming to be the person who did it first.
“Well, I was coming toward the end of my first term and was feeling pretty stressed,” said an anonymous source from his ranch home in Crawford, Texas. “My wife Laura was out of town and I was stuck in the office. I found myself on a unique side of the interwebs. Toons of women of various ages in compromised situations, their mouths wide and wet, flush with frustration. Well, it opened my eyes up to a lot of things. Got me into art among other things. Here, let me show you some pieces I made based on this. It’s an ongoing series where this young woman travels across our great nation and gets into all kinds of sexual situations.”
During a press conference in The White House earlier today, President Donald Trump was asked to comment on Musk’s findings.
“I don’t find that surprising. Lots of sickos on Sleepy Joe’s team,” Trump said. “I don’t really get this hentee stuff. Elon keeps trying to show me some videos. Not my style. I’ve seen a naked woman and an octopus together like that, and let me tell you, the girl doesn’t last that long. It wasn’t bad though. I always get hard watching something die in front of me.”
At press time, Barack Obama came forward claiming to be the first person to have a furry sex party in The Lincoln Bedroom simply stating “Good times”.
