GUANTANAMO BAY — The Trump Administration announced in a press conference today that Duo the Owl is being sent to an internment camp as punishment for teaching Americans how to speak languages other than English.
“The official language of America. The great country of America. Greatest country on Earth. Land of the free. Is English. And Dirty Duo, I call him Dirty Duo. He’s an owl folks, they’re very dirty, believe me, very dirty. He is trying to indoctrinate innocent Americans into woke DEI practices by teaching them other languages and so he will be punished accordingly,” said President Trump to the press. “Americans will not learn any other languages on my watch, folks. There’s no need to know anything other than English. The greatest language on Earth. America’s language. Nobody has a better language than us. We invented the best one.
Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth took to the podium just as Trump began a tangent on Duo’s penis size.
“It is our job to protect Americans and their interests and so we believe this is the correct move. The Duolingo Owl poses an existential threat to the American way of life. I mean can you imagine if people started to speak the languages of other countries and learned from the people of other nations just how terrible we are compared to them. That might as well be treason. But with Duo locked up in this camp, he won’t be able to infect any other American with the Woke Mind Virus. Once he learns his lesson and has been reformed, we’ll consider his release but until then he’s gonna stay in that camp and really concentrate on reflecting on his crimes.”
While many had questions regarding the legality of detaining Duo, Attorney General Pam Bondi assured that wasn’t an issue.
“I know on the surface it may seem legally dubious to detain Duo into an internment camp just for teaching people other languages. But Duo is an Owl, not a human which means he has no rights that we have to be worried about violating. He’s even lower on the totem pole than people of color. Besides, even if he had rights, we make the laws and anyone who tries to push back will get sent to the camp right along with him. It’s been a proven tactic since at least 1939.”
At press time, Democrats have fought back against Duo’s imprisonment by wearing green in solidarity.
