WASHINGTON — During a recent rewatch of ‘Schoolhouse Rock,’ Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer was inspired to draft a piece of legislation that sits on its ass and does nothing.
“After listening to thousands and thousands of complaints from my constituents, I am happy to announce I have submitted a bill that aligns with my message to this new administration,” Schumer told reporters as he hurriedly rushed out of the Capitol. “I want the American people to know that I hear you, and I will do everything I can to look like I’m actually doing something.”
The bill’s co-author, Senator John Fetterman, told reporters that the 3-minute animated music video taught him more about American lawmaking than two years in the Senate did.
“Red blooded Americans made that cartoon. It wasn’t some blue Australian cattle dog or a spoiled British pig, it was an American-made piece of paper that sang the blues ,” Fetteramn said, coming out of committee dressed for a pick-up basketball game. “And I deeply relate to the message of getting winded half-way up the steps of the Capitol, I finally understand someone else’s struggle.”
The contents of the bill is the entire ‘Lord of the Rings’ trilogy transcribed into legislation, solely meant to take more time to read than the Senate has allotted for.
“It’s a diabolical misuse of taxpayer dollars!” AOC remarked on a live-strem event she held instead of going to a House debate on Tesla integration. “But that’s exactly why Republicans are going to pass it through, and the entire House and Senate will have heard more about Frodo than the complaints of the American people!”
At presstime, Schumer and Fetterman have drafted a sequel bill that will put a traffic signal at Conjunction Junction.
