WASHINGTON — In a shocking unanimous vote, the United States Congress decided to ban popular social media and video sharing app TikTok citing frustration at learning the viral
“Wednesday Addams Dance.”
“We’ve decided to make the choice to ban TikTok until further notice, after realizing it represents not only a threat to our nation’s security, but also that goddamn ‘Wednesday Dance’ is fucking impossible to do,” said Congressman Dan Crenshaw. “The looming terror of its Chinese origins is frightening, sure, but how the hell do you do that slow-motion leg and arm thing? Let it be known to the American people that most of our representatives have nailed down the limp-arm-behind-the-back move, but then the sort of Thriller hands in front still evade us. It’s clear that TikTok just needs to go away for a while.”
Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer elaborated on the decision to block the Chinese-based platform.
“It’s awful to see so many legislators with their black dresses and deadpan glares unable to perfect today’s most popular trend,” Schumer said in a press conference. “It seemed that banning TikTok was the fastest way to get our attention back on track. Who knows when another viral choreography routine or prank will cause laws to go unpassed or healthcare to be denied. Many Americans nationwide simply cannot keep up with TikTok trends. I only just learned last week how to finally get one of those ‘They Call Me’ videos going.”
At press time, sources in D.C. reported that President Biden had allegedly planned to veto the controversial ban, after revealing he and Kamala Harris had finally learned the Barbie Dogs dance.
