WASHINGTON — Abruptly taking a moment away from the highest court’s deliberation, sources have confirmed that Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas paused a hearing to thank the top-contributing donors in his Twitch stream.
“Thanks for the bits, haha_Harlan,” said Thomas, diverting his attention from the hearing to celebratorily dance before reading more names. “Thank you for the sub, squid_jimmy, and shoutout to TJ for always sticking with the stream. Remember, chat, every single dollar we raise helps shape a better future. And by future, I mean dollar margarita night is going to go fucking bonkers tonight. Now put a thumbs up in the chat if you want to see me block student debt relief!”
The Supreme Court Justice’s stream has garnered a large, devoted following, with viewership rivaling the most popular gaming channels on Twitch.
“This is democracy at its finest,” said Evan Beaumont, one of the stream’s highest donors. “Why should we even vote in the election when you can donate directly to Mr. Thomas and tip the scales of justice in real time? Plus, if you donate more than 5000 bits, he says your name and does a funny little jig – talk about incentivizing civic participation!”
Thomas’ fellow justices disapproved of his antics.
“We’re not upset that Clarence is live-streaming our hearings on Twitch. That’s fine. What irks us is that he’s hoarding all the goddamn profits for himself,” remarked Supreme Court Justice Sonia Sotomayor. “What about the other justices, huh? Where’s our cut? Don’t make us start our own streams, Clarence. We’ll dilute your audience, and then you’ll be nothing. Or better yet, we could impeach you for violating Twitch’s terms and agreements.”
As of press time, Clarence Thomas has signed a $100 million dollar deal to exclusively stream hearings on Kick.