Listen up you ungrateful bastards, an elder is talking! I’ve seen the crap you morons are saying about how it’s time for “disturbingly impaired” senator Dianne Feinstein to “retire for the good of our country,” and I just wanted to check in and tell all of you computer dorks that’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard!
We live in a vicious, dog-eat-monkey world, and the youth of the world can’t wait to circle their elders and feed off of them before they’ve even kicked the bucket! I saw the first signs of this when my leading man status was relegated to “hilarious cameo” in the original Donkey Kong Country, despite being the star of the original Donkey Kong games! Or maybe I wasn’t. Oh geez, my memory isn’t so good anymore.
Nevertheless, I should’ve been the star of the game, and all of the DKC games for that matter, even if I can’t move worth a fuck and can’t remember shit. I deserve respect, and I don’t have to explain why any of this is a good idea to anyone. So what if my knees are shot, can’t they put me in some cool jet pack or something? I saw some Ratchet & Clank footage on my grandson’s iPad the other day, and those assholes had jet packs, laser guns, you name it. Give me some of that shit. All I got back in my day was a barrel to throw and a hammer up my ass. This industry has chewed me up and spit me out and even got the world to call me “Cranky,” somewhere along the way, as if I don’t have every reason in the world to be a little grumpy.
Kids these days don’t know how good they have it. Me and the Diane Feinstein’s of the world have lived full lives, suffered through absolute hell, and I think the least everyone could do is leave us propped up for as long as possible, until we have to get dragged around like a borderline carcass, our signatures on important documents being applied by a graceful guiding of our hands from dedicated underlings, our interview answers spoken directly into our ear for us to repeat a second later. We all need some help sometimes, some of us more than others. Some of us way, way, way more than others. That doesn’t mean we have nothing to offer.
One more thing for you to think about. When Diddy was a kid, I couldn’t walk to the corner store without finding that idiot stuffed in a barrel. Did we say he was unfit? Did we make him retire? No. And why? Because he was cool, attractive, and young. We can’t turn equality into a popularity contest. We just can’t. That wouldn’t be America. And just because they found Senator Feinstein in a barrel last week when she was due for a senate vote doesn’t mean she’s unfit to serve. Frankly, it’s insulting to insinuate that she is.
Now leave me alone!