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Boeing Expresses Condolences in Advance of Second Whistleblower’s Suicide

ARLINGTON, VA – The official Boeing Twitter account posted an announcement today expressing its condolences for the death of the second whistleblower in their lawsuit, who they expect to commit suicide later this week.

“We’re so sorry to hear about former Boeing engineer Sam Salehpour’s upcoming tragic suicide,” the post read. “Everyone here at the Boeing family is going to miss him so much. A ‘we’ll miss you’ card has been sent to him, and we wish his family all the best.”

Salehpour, the whistleblower, first came into the public eye after he told the world Boeing was using defective parts and shady manufacturing practices in the construction of their airplanes. We reached him for comment on his new life as a public figure.

“I think someone’s been trying to assassinate me,” he wrote. “I keep having to put out suspicious fires at my house, a bald man in a suit holding a piano wire keeps asking me if I’d like to go to a private area with him, and I even got a letter in the mail with free tickets to fly on the window seat of a Boeing plane.”

A Boeing engineer who wished to remain anonymous reached out to us to explain that Salehpour had actually worked in one of Boeing’s most regulation-compliant factories.

“Where I worked, there was Krazy Glue everywhere. Don’t get me wrong, we didn’t use that to build the planes, we just huffed it. We borrowed some glue sticks from the local elementary school for construction. Actually, that school does around 50% of our construction, they think it’s arts and crafts. Mrs. Simon’s 3rd graders are pretty good at it, most of the parts that fail were built by us.”

At press time, Boeing CEO Dave Calhoun was spotted marching towards Salehpour’s home with a flamethrower, which he claimed was for an unrelated viral cooking trend.

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