ARLINGTON, VA—Boeing CEO Dave Calhoun has reportedly stepped down from the company following reports that, not unlike some Boeing planes, the CEO himself has a few screws loose.
“I get it, I get it. People are angry because it seems like we’re focusing more on shareholder value than the safety of our aircrafts,” Calhoun said. “But why is everyone so mad about the door flying off? At least no one died. Obviously the same can’t be said for that one Lion Air flight. Or that Ethiopian Airlines flight. But those weren’t in the US so it was a lot easier to get away with. USA! USA! USA!”
“Finance is so complicated,” Calhoun continued, “and what makes or breaks businesses can vary depending on industry. My personal business philosophy can be best tied to this airplane shaped piggy bank.” Calhoun then picked up the object and proceeded to make “PBBBBBTTTTTT” airplane noises with his lips.
Frequent Boeing flier Sam Gregorio was incredulous.
“He’s not leaving until the end of 2024,” Gregorio said. “What’s even the point? He still has months to keep making bad decisions for the company. How many more doors are going to fall off before this guy actually leaves his job? And are we supposed to believe he’s the only one responsible for all this? Is he really that nuts?”
CFO Brian West confirmed the change in power was for good reason.
“While we are sad to hear about Dave’s departure, it is for the better, as he’s clearly lost it — the evidence is right there in plane sight. What really matters in the world of aviation, where we trap 300 paying customers on a metal tube that hurtles through pressurized air for a few hours, is shareholder value. Our stock is already up 2.5%. Sure, we messed up. We’re human, after all. Just humans ignoring humans who raise problems with our products. Maybe everyone has a few screws loose. Like John Barnett, the whistleblower that definitely killed himself.”
At press time, Calhoun was spotted running through the Boeing campus with his arms out to his sides, “flying.”
