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Blinking Red Dianne Feinstein Insists She Has Never Felt Better

WASHINGTON — Following a nasty fall and brief hospitalization, a blinking red Dianne Feinstein appeared before gathered media and insisted that she’s never felt better. 

“I’ve… I’m fine, I’ve never felt better,” said the hobbled, bleeding, limping, wheezing Senator of California that was first elected in 1992. “The milkman came by in the afternoon but I told them Danny had already let the birds out. Let’s all go stand on the roof and see if we can catch the weather in a jar. Is it time for me to vote for something? Which one of you owes me 40 cents?”

The fall and incoherent statements to the press increased a growing pressure on the senator to retire from duty. 

“Look at her, she’s blinking red for God’s sake,” said photographer Anthony Mello, who was present for Feinstein’s comments. “She’s 90 years old, and now she’s blinking red. I feel like if she takes any more damage whatsoever, she’s just gonna croak right where it happens. An aide is gonna brush up against her and it’s gonna be Game Over for Dianne. Not to be morbid, but that’s the only way she’s gonna leave her position, huh?” 

As of press time, representatives of Senator Feinstein insisted that she just needed some rest, and that the sustained beeping noise coming from her office was completely normal.