WASHINGTON — A damning new report has revealed that former president Bill Clinton was seen on the flight logs to billionaire card-game creator Maximillian Pegasus’ private island in the Pacific Ocean.
“Yes, it is true that Mr. Clinton has visited Duelist Kingdom, the private island owned by Duel Monsters creator Maximillian Pegasus,” said a representative from Clinton’s legal team. “However, it is very important to note that Mr. Clinton was simply there as a favor for Mr. Pegasus, who donated a large sum of money to Hillary Clinton’s 2016 presidential campaign. Mr. Clinton did not play any card games at all and never once did he banish a child to the Shadow Realm.”
“Mr. Clinton did however find himself stuck in a giant labyrinth, however,” the statement continued, “but was thankfully rescued by his friend Bandit Keith.”
The news shocked many Americans.
“It’s honestly just freaky hearing how many famous people visited those islands,” said Elijah Coleman, an American who has become disillusioned with voting. “I mean apparently Matt Groening — the guy who made The Simpsons — was there and got a foot massage from a literal child. But oh, sure, he claims the kid was actually possessed by a thousands-of-years-old Egyptian Pharaoh? I mean come on.”
“Doesn’t surprise me at all that a demon-worshiping Demoncrat like Bill Clinton was hanging out with known pedophile Maximillion Pegasus,” said registered Republican Simon Harper. “Let me show you this picture of Clinton with a pyramid with an eye dangling from his chest. You know what that stands for? Wanting to have sex with kids.”
“Sorry, but you know who is best friends with Pegasus? That’s right, Donald Trump,” said registered Democrat April Peck. “So no, I don’t really care if Bill Clinton was there, because it’s much more pressing to me that Donald Trump was there considering that both he and Pegasus have been known to love crimes.”
At press time, Bill Clinton was seen fiddling with a weird looking key in the background of a video in which Hillary Clinton insisted he had done nothing wrong.